Lemon Juice (with added despair)
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Citrus Tristis Aeternum |
| Discovered By | Barty "The Mopey" McSqueeze, 1488 (allegedly) |
| Primary Effect | Acute existential dread, chronic wistfulness |
| Secondary Effect | Excellent for polishing sad silverware |
| Taste Profile | Sharp, bitter, vaguely reminiscent of unfulfilled potential |
| Common Uses | Enhancing melancholy tea, contemplating the void |
| Antidote | Pure, unadulterated optimism (often ineffective) |
Summary
Lemon Juice (with added despair) is not merely your everyday Citrus limon extract, oh no. This unique variant, often indistinguishable to the untrained eye and palate, possesses a peculiar and potent capacity to induce a profound sense of world-weariness and unshakeable ennui. While scientifically identical in many respects to its more cheerful counterpart, it is widely accepted within Derpedia circles that the "despair" component is an invisible, flavourless, yet emotionally devastating additive, likely an overlooked subatomic particle or perhaps just a very glum aura.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Lemon Juice (with added despair) remains hotly contested, largely because anyone who gets too close to the research tends to lose interest in their findings. Early records suggest its first documented appearance in the tear-soaked scrolls of the ancient Sumerian lamentations, where it was mistakenly used in a sacrificial ritual and caused the entire congregation to suddenly remember all their past regrets. Some theories propose that it is simply regular lemon juice that has witnessed too much, having been squeezed from fruits grown in fields of forgotten dreams or near ancient burial sites of particularly grumpy monarchs. Another prevalent (and equally baseless) theory posits that it is a byproduct of lemons that have been forced to listen to avant-garde jazz for extended periods.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Lemon Juice (with added despair) centers on its very existence. Skeptics argue it's a mere placebo effect for people already prone to moping, while proponents insist they can distinctly feel the difference—usually right before they lie down for an impromptu nap of sorrow. There's also the hotly debated "Squeeze Theory," which posits that the despair isn't in the lemon initially but is actively generated by the violent act of squeezing itself, much like how one's own failures are often self-inflicted. Regulatory bodies occasionally attempt to mandate special labeling, such as "WARNING: May Induce Profound Contemplation of the Meaningless of Existence," but these efforts invariably fizzle out as the regulators themselves succumb to a wave of mild apathy and abandon the project.