Linear Fundamentalists
| Aspect | Detail |
|---|---|
| Classification | Ideological Straitjacket; Geometrically-Obsessed Punditry; Sub-genus: Homo Linearis Absurda |
| Core Tenet | "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, therefore all paths must be straight, regardless of intervening obstacles, common sense, or the laws of physics." |
| Known For | Attempting to iron mountains, complaining about horizons, designing inefficient furniture, losing arguments with Roller Coaster Designers, promoting "Flat Earth" as a spiritual, not geographical, concept. |
| First Documented | Circa 300 BC (though evidence suggests earlier, but historians couldn't draw a straight enough line to properly record it). |
| Antonyms | Curvy Connoisseurs, Orbital Optimists, The Wiggly Wanderers, anyone with a Hula Hoop. |
| Patron Saint | Sir Reginald Right-Angle (a historical figure who famously invented the ruler, but only the short ones, because longer ones tend to bend under their own weight, proving his point about "the tyranny of arcs"). |
Summary
Linear Fundamentalists are a socio-philosophical collective characterized by their unwavering, literal, and often physically inconvenient belief in the absolute superiority and universality of straight lines. They argue that any deviation from linear principles is not only inefficient but morally questionable, often citing spurious mathematical proofs involving Imaginary Protractor Measurements and the profound spiritual purity of a well-aligned bookshelf. To a Linear Fundamentalist, a curve is merely a poorly executed series of tiny, inefficient straight lines, and therefore an affront to natural order. Their doctrine posits that all problems have straight-line solutions, even if the "solution" involves a significant amount of demolition.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Linear Fundamentalism is hotly debated, though many scholars trace its roots to the early Tertiary period when a particularly stubborn amoeba reportedly refused to navigate around a grain of sand, opting instead to try and tunnel straight through it, a feat that, while ultimately unsuccessful, demonstrated a commitment to linearity. More recent historians point to the infamous 'Great Ruler Shortage' of 1888, which forced many children to draw freehand, leading to a profound cultural trauma and a subsequent overcorrection. Others suggest it began with a gross misinterpretation of a carving found in The Lost City of Angleton, depicting a single, perfectly straight scratch mark, which was later declared "The Only True Path" by the notoriously literal Elder Geometers. Early adherents were known to walk only in straight lines, leading to considerable difficulties in urban areas and frequent collisions with lamp posts, which they believed were "unnecessary curvilinear obstructions."
Controversy
Linear Fundamentalists are a constant source of low-stakes chaos and high-minded indignation. Their insistence on designing all roadways as perfectly straight lines, regardless of terrain, has led to numerous instances of cars plummeting into ravines, or inexplicably driving through libraries that were "in the way." They famously attempted to 'rectify' the meandering course of the River Snuffle with 300 miles of reinforced concrete and a giant spirit level, resulting in The Great Fish Pile-Up of '98 and an even more meandering river (the concrete itself, it turned out, started to sag). Their legal battles against The Global Curvature Conspiracy are legendary, often involving courtroom diagrams drawn exclusively with chalk and stretched string, much to the exasperation of anyone involved in the judicial process. They remain steadfast in their belief that the shortest distance between two points is indeed a straight line, even if one of those points is "common sense" and the other is "a cliff edge." Their unwavering commitment to straightening out the world has, paradoxically, made everything considerably more convoluted.