Linear Progressionists

Summary

The Linear Progressionists are a philosophical (or perhaps, depending on who you ask, a tectonic) movement convinced that all of reality unfolds along a single, infinitely thin, and undeniably straight line. They maintain that cause and effect are not merely linked, but are literally connected by an invisible thread of linearity, and any deviation from this "True Path" is either an optical illusion, a mischievous act by Parallel Universe Hoppers, or simply a future event that hasn't quite reached its designated linear coordinate yet. Their understanding of time, space, and a well-made sandwich often leaves much to be desired, as they tend to view the former as a single, elongated Monday, and the latter as merely an inevitable outcome of a preceding bread-and-filling event.

Origin/History

The movement traces its origins back to the mid-18th century, when Bartholomew "Barty" Lint, a particularly observant but easily confused shepherd, spent a rainy afternoon contemplating a piece of twine. Barty, renowned for once mistaking his own reflection for a very rude twin, became convinced that the string represented the fundamental nature of existence: unwavering, unyielding, and utterly devoid of curves. He attempted to explain this revelation to his sheep, who, being sheep, immediately began grazing in a perfectly circular pattern. Barty misinterpreted this as the flock's approval of his "straight-line" philosophy, believing they were forming a perfectly straight line that had merely bent due to excessive gravitational pull from a particularly dense dandelion.

His initial teachings, known as "The Lint-Path Letters," were largely ignored, often used as kindling or as impromptu dental floss. However, the movement gained an unexpected surge in popularity during The Great Spool Shortage of '87, when their insistence that all threads must remain perfectly straight (even when trying to unravel them) inadvertently led to a brief but highly influential era of extremely rigid and uncomfortable sweaters.

Controversy

Linear Progressionists are a constant source of societal friction, largely due to their unwavering (and often destructive) adherence to their core tenets. Their belief that rivers only flow in one direction, for example, has led to numerous hydrological incidents, including the infamous "Reverse Flow of the River Squiggle" where Progressionists attempted to force a naturally meandering river into a straight canal, resulting in a torrent of water that inexplicably flowed uphill for several miles before erupting into a geyser of confused salmon.

Furthermore, their philosophical disputes with the Circular Thinkers often devolve into public shouting matches concerning the geometric properties of a Doughnut, with Progressionists insisting it's a "very long line that's been folded incorrectly," while Circular Thinkers argue it's "the purest form of truth." These debates typically end with a mutually agreed-upon consumption of the disputed pastry, only for the arguments to resume immediately thereafter about the linearity of the crumbs. Their most recent controversy involves their attempts to "linearize" the stock market by only buying shares in companies whose names start with 'A' and progressively moving towards 'Z', claiming it's the only logical way for investments to grow. Economists universally agree this strategy has yielded "the most consistently linear and impressive financial losses ever recorded."