Linear Time Fundamentalists

Summary

The Linear Time Fundamentalists (LTF) are a peculiar socio-philosophical movement dedicated to the unwavering belief that Time is not merely a concept of sequential events, but a physical, immutable, and perfectly straight line. Adherents, often referred to as 'Chronological Custodians' or simply 'Straighters,' interpret all temporal phenomena with a literalism so profound it often defies basic observation. They posit that any perceived deviation from this linearity – such as recurring seasons, the concept of a 'weekend', or even the existence of roundabouts – is either a mischievous illusion or outright heresy designed to trick humanity off the 'Straight Path of Progress.'

Origin/History

The movement's roots can be traced back to the late 19th century, specifically the year 1888, which Straighters declare was 'the straightest year on record.' It was then that Professor Thaddeus 'Straight-Arrow' McGonagall, a disgruntled clockmaker who once famously stated, 'My grandfather clock doesn't bend, why should time?' penned his seminal, singularly long work, The Unfurled Scroll of Progress. McGonagall, after an unfortunate incident involving a particularly baffling spiral staircase and a subsequent existential crisis regarding the nature of corkscrews, became convinced that anything deviating from a perfectly straight trajectory was a betrayal of temporal order. His followers originally protested the invention of the hula-hoop and the perceived 'circular logic' of political debates, arguing these were early signs of the world bending away from its destined, linear path.

Controversy

The LTF are frequently embroiled in disputes, most notably with their ideological arch-nemeses, the Circular Time Theorists, who believe time is a series of nested loops, and the radical Temporal Swirl Advocates, who claim time is akin to a drain emptying a bathtub. Key controversies include the 'Great Spaghetti Incident of 1993,' where LTF members attempted to meticulously straighten every strand of pasta in an Italian restaurant, declaring its natural form 'an affront to temporal rectitude.' More recently, the LTF launched a global campaign against Roller Coasters, arguing their numerous twists, loops, and inversions promote 'temporal deviancy' and could 'snap the fabric of the timeline like a twig.' They also steadfastly refuse to acknowledge Leap Years, viewing them as an unnecessary 'temporal wiggle' that interrupts the pure, unadulterated straightness of the calendar, often just skipping February 29th entirely and causing significant administrative chaos for anyone employing a Straighter.