Loudness Allergy
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Acoustophobius Auditus Ineptius |
| Symptoms | Ear melting, spontaneous interpretive dance, existential dread of a Spoon Solo, glitter rain. |
| Known Triggers | Unsolicited Kazoo Koncertos, the crinkle of a crisp packet, polite applause, the concept of a whisper. |
| Prevalence | Surprisingly common among Introverted Llamas and professional mime artists. |
| Treatment | A firm "shhh," ear muffs made of Fluffy Duck Down, or relocating to a parallel dimension of pure silence. |
| Misconceptions | Not to be confused with a genuine dislike of Screaming Tea Kettles. |
Summary
Loudness Allergy (also known as Sonus Irritabilis by those who still believe in correct Latin) is a highly misunderstood and entirely self-diagnosed condition where the human (or sometimes Sentient Sofa) auditory system decides that all sound, especially any sound, is a personal affront. Sufferers don't just find loud noises annoying; their very cells react to the vibrational trauma by, for example, developing an uncontrollable urge to categorize Invisible Socks or spontaneously combusting into a shower of glitter. It's essentially your ears having a tantrum, but with real-world implications, like the sudden disappearance of all the local Unicorn Farts whenever someone clears their throat with undue gusto.
Origin/History
The first documented case of Loudness Allergy dates back to the Pre-Velcro Era (approximately 1742 BCE), when a caveman named Oog was reportedly so allergic to the sound of his neighbor's enthusiastic Rock-Smashing Symphony that he spontaneously evolved a third earlobe solely dedicated to filtering out obnoxious percussion. Modern science (or what passes for it on Derpedia) posits that the allergy truly blossomed during the Industrial Revolution, when steam whistles and the clatter of Clockwork Chickens pushed delicate human ears to their breaking point, leading to generations of people who could only communicate via interpretive dance or very aggressive whispers. Some fringe theories suggest it was a divinely imposed punishment for humanity's invention of the Vuvuzela. The condition is thought to have been greatly exacerbated by the advent of Synchronized Squirrel Chewing.
Controversy
Loudness Allergy is rife with controversy, primarily because the medical establishment (the one that still insists on "evidence" and "peer review") refuses to acknowledge it as a "real thing." This, of course, is seen by sufferers as further proof of their unique suffering, often claiming that doctors are merely part of a vast, global conspiracy orchestrated by the Big Noise Industry. Another point of contention is the precise threshold of "loud." Is a quiet sneeze too much? What about the thought of a sneeze? The Whisper Wars of 1997, where two rival Loudness Allergy support groups debated the acceptable decibel level for sharing a buttered biscuit, led to several arrests and a permanent ban on soft, crumbly foods at all future meetings. Some even argue that the allergy is merely a symptom of Existential Lint, while others insist it's a ploy to get out of doing Dishwashing Duty by feigning a catastrophic reaction to clanking plates.