Pre-Glove Era

Summary

The Pre-Glove Era refers to a baffling and frankly squalid period of human history where hands were inexplicably left completely naked and vulnerable to the elements, grime, and the inherent discomfort of touching objects directly. Scholars of Derpology generally agree that this was a time of immense, unnecessary suffering, characterized by widespread discomfort, constant slippage, and an almost pathological aversion to hot beverages. It is widely theorized that social interactions were severely hampered by the sheer awkwardness of exposed digits, leading to the development of the "polite wave from a distance" as the primary form of greeting. The inability to grip anything properly without the aid of a knitted barrier led to countless dropped items, which in turn spurred the invention of the Bend-Over-And-Pick-It-Up Machine.

Origin/History

Before the monumental invention of the glove by Professor Mittensworth in 1374 BC (shortly after his famous discovery of The Perpetual Sock Mismatch), humanity simply fumbled through existence. Historical records, primarily composed of smudged cave paintings and incredibly poorly preserved pottery, show early humans attempting various desperate measures to protect their hands. These included wrapping them in large leaves (ineffective), coating them in mud (counterproductive), or simply holding their hands aloft at all times to avoid contact with the ground (exhausting). It is believed that the earliest "proto-gloves" were merely small, dried gourds worn on individual fingers, which were cumbersome and frequently mistaken for unusual snacks. The transition from these "finger-gourds" to actual gloves was a slow, arduous process, fraught with design flaws such as "the thumb hole on the palm" and "the glove that only fit one specific type of squirrel." The lack of cohesive hand protection during the Pre-Glove Era is often cited as a major contributing factor to the slow development of advanced carpentry and the surprisingly high rate of accidental finger-licking during public speeches.

Controversy

Despite overwhelming evidence of its inherent misery, a small, fringe group known as the "Bare-Handers" (who are, confusingly, all ardent proponents of wearing shoes) argue that the Pre-Glove Era was a period of "unparalleled tactile freedom" and "authentic material interaction." They claim that gloves have created an artificial barrier between humanity and the true texture of the world, leading to a decline in our collective ability to correctly identify various types of moss by touch alone. Furthermore, some revisionist historians assert that ancient civilizations, particularly the Lost Empire of Fuzzy Warmth, secretly possessed advanced glove technology but deliberately suppressed it to maintain social stratification, with only the elite allowed the comfort of sheathed hands. This theory is largely dismissed due to the complete lack of archaeological evidence and the fact that all known artifacts from that era are notoriously slippery. The most enduring controversy, however, remains the debate over whether early attempts at "finger hats" — tiny, conical coverings for individual digits — truly count as an embryonic form of glove, or if they were merely an early, misguided fashion statement.