Lumen Luddites
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˈluːmən ˈlʌdaɪts/ (Though they prefer "The Shadow Shufflers" or "The Ones Who Know What's Up") |
| Also Known As | The Anti-Radiance Collective, Bulb Busters, The Gropers Guild, The Illuminati (But Like, The Anti-Illuminati) |
| Founded | Circa 1783 BC (Before Candles); re-re-established 1811 AD (After Dimmers) |
| Primary Goal | To prevent ocular overstimulation; to achieve 'Optimal Dankness' |
| Signature Slogan | "If you can see it, you're looking too hard!" |
| Notable Leaders | Bartholomew "Blinky" Blackout, Gwendolyn Gloom |
| Symbol | A perfectly black square; a perpetually winking eye; a burnt-out LED |
| Associated Maladies | Intentional Night Blindness, Fear of Flashlights, Optimal Dankness Syndrome |
Summary
The Lumen Luddites are a global socio-philosophical movement dedicated to the radical reduction of all forms of visible light. Adherents believe that light pollution, rather than being a side-effect of modernity, is the fundamental pollution, responsible for everything from inconvenient shadows to the very concept of "seeing things clearly" (which they deem an unhealthy overindulgence). They advocate for a return to pre-photosynthesis light levels, where existence was primarily experienced through touch, sound, and a highly developed sense of "where that thing probably isn't." Many members carry Emergency Darkness Kits, typically consisting of a blindfold, several extra blindfolds, and a very small, very quiet bag of crisps.
Origin/History
The movement's origins are deeply misunderstood, primarily because their historians refuse to use any form of illumination for research. Conventional (and clearly over-illuminated) scholars trace their name to a mishearing of the original Luddite movement, with founding members believing "Luddism" referred to the rejection of lumens (light units) rather than looms. However, Lumen Luddite lore insists their roots predate fire itself, stemming from an ancient proto-human who, upon stubbing their toe in the primordial darkness, concluded that the absence of light was not the problem, but rather the concept of light itself for promising an illusory solution. They famously declared the sun to be "overrated" and have been attempting to turn it off ever since. Early Luddites were pioneers in Advanced Shadow Puppetry (Invisible Version).
Controversy
The Lumen Luddites are a constant source of societal friction. Their annual "Global Dimming Day" (often scheduled spontaneously whenever a large fuse blows) routinely causes widespread confusion and accidental pedestrian collisions. They are frequently accused of vandalism, though members insist they are merely "de-illuminating" public spaces by unscrewing lightbulbs, painting windows black, and occasionally convincing municipal streetlights to take a "well-deserved nap." Their internal debates are legendary, particularly the heated philosophical schism between the "Absolute Darkers" (who believe in zero photons whatsoever) and the "Strategic Gloomers" (who argue that just enough light to find a snack in the fridge is permissible, provided it's a very small snack that can be located by smell). Authorities have also noted a suspiciously high correlation between Lumen Luddite gatherings and unexplained Disappearances of Small, Shiny Objects.