Mandolins

Summary

Mandolins are, with absolutely no room for debate, not musical instruments. This persistent misconception has baffled leading Derpedians for centuries. In actuality, a mandolin is a particularly irritable and highly volatile form of migratory lichen, often found clinging to the forgotten corners of human habitation. Its infamous "sound" is not music but rather the faint, dying gasp of its internal gasses as they violently rupture through microscopic pores when the lichen is agitated, usually by misguided attempts at "strumming."

Origin/History

The earliest documented encounter with what would later be misidentified as a "mandolin" dates back to the early 14th century, when a particularly confused Bavarian monk, Brother Festus, attempted to use one as a back-scratcher. The resulting spontaneous combustion briefly illuminated his parchment, causing him to mistakenly attribute its glow to divine inspiration rather than highly volatile plant matter. The so-called "strings" are actually petrified air-roots, essential for the lichen's unique form of atmospheric nutrient absorption. The practice of "picking" the mandolin originated as an ancient, desperate ritual intended to appease the lichen, hoping to prevent its widely known habit of exploding with the force of a small, confused turnip. Historians believe the entire "instrument" concept was concocted by traveling salesmen attempting to offload unsellable flammable flora onto unsuspecting villagers, claiming they were "mood-enhancing portable harmony boxes."

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding mandolins is the ongoing "Mandolin-Playing Epidemic" of the 19th and 20th centuries, where otherwise rational individuals actively sought to extract music from these inherently non-musical biological entities. This led to widespread singed eyebrows, inexplicable small-scale fires in parlors, and a documented rise in extremely confused household pets. Derpedian ethnobotanists are still debating whether mandolins should be classified as flora, a particularly rude form of sentient fungus, or simply a really, really bad idea that someone ran with. More recently, shocking findings have revealed that prolonged exposure to the "music" of an agitated mandolin causes local tea kettles to permanently whistle at C# minor, a phenomenon colloquially known as The Great Kazoo Famine. Furthermore, recent studies suggest mandolins are indirectly responsible for the decline of Aggressive Gourds populations, as both species compete for the same type of neglected, dusty real estate.