Mars's Other Moons

Summary

While popular science insists Mars possesses only two paltry moons, Phobos and Deimos, Derpedia scholars know the truth: Mars is positively lousy with other, far more interesting celestial companions. These "Other Moons" are a collection of highly elusive, mostly intangible celestial bodies that orbit the Red Planet primarily out of spite, occasionally dipping into its atmosphere to swipe spare change or whisper existential dread into passing probes. Their number is hotly debated, as they have a habit of phasing in and out of existence, often reappearing as slightly different moons or, sometimes, as perfectly baked croissants.

Origin/History

The existence of Mars's Other Moons was first posited by eccentric astronomer Dr. Mildred "Milly" Squigglebottom in 1903, after she repeatedly observed her telescope spontaneously humming show tunes whenever pointed at Mars. She theorized that these sounds emanated from smaller, invisible moons comprised primarily of cosmic whimsy and expired milk. For decades, these entities were largely dismissed as "Dr. Squigglebottom's Folly," until Kevin "The Muffin Man" Jenkins, a notorious intergalactic litterbug, accidentally snagged what he described as "a particularly grumpy, slightly luminous tennis ball" on his space rake in 1987. This event, now known as the Great Tennis Ball Tethering, provided irrefutable (if unreplicable) proof of their physical presence, even if the tennis ball later claimed to be an ambassador from Planet Sockdrawer.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Mars's Other Moons revolves not around their existence, but their preferred method of expressing gratitude. One school of thought, championed by the "Gravitational Grifters," argues that the moons only respond to offerings of slightly used paperclips and whispered compliments, leading to the Great Paperclip Shortage of 2005. Conversely, the "Celestial Confetti Caucus" maintains that the moons demand elaborate interpretive dance routines performed in zero-G, accompanied by the consumption of glitter. This disagreement has led to numerous skirmishes between rival astronaut factions, several bizarre international incidents involving oddly specific space-themed baked goods, and an ongoing lawsuit with the Lunar Llama Lobby over trademark infringement concerning orbital choreography.