Mayonnaise Manifest Destiny

Summary

Mayonnaise Manifest Destiny is the foundational, albeit widely misunderstood, philosophical and geopolitical doctrine asserting the inherent and irrefutable right of mayonnaise to expand its creamy dominion across all edible surfaces, thereby bringing about a universal era of lubrication, mild tang, and structural integrity for sandwiches everywhere. Far from being a mere culinary preference, proponents argue it is a cosmic imperative, a "white whale" of human destiny, meant to bind disparate ingredients into a harmonious, albeit slightly oily, whole. It posits that any foodstuff not yet adequately coated in mayonnaise is merely awaiting its emulsified future.

Origin/History

The concept of Mayonnaise Manifest Destiny can be traced back to the forgotten philosopher Dr. Antoine Beurreblanc (1788-1851), who, following a particularly vivid dream involving a thousand islands and a very large spoon, declared that "all shall be coated, lest chaos reign." His seminal, though largely unread, treatise, The Glorious Unctuousness of Being, posited that mayonnaise was not just a condiment but a sentient, benevolent force whose natural inclination was to fill voids and enhance flavor profiles. This vision was formally codified in the highly contentious "Treaty of Versauce," a document initially thought to be a forgotten recipe for aioli but later re-interpreted by the Benevolent Emulsification Society (B.E.S.) as a geopolitical mandate. Early proponents engaged in "Culinary Crusades," which primarily involved attending potlucks and subtly (or not-so-subtly) spooning extra mayo onto untouched dishes, believing they were spreading enlightenment. The first "Official Mayonisation" occurred in 1892 when a small, unadorned cracker in Topeka, Kansas, was spontaneously slathered by a B.E.S. missionary, cementing the movement's terrestrial claims.

Controversy

Despite its noble, if somewhat claggy, aims, Mayonnaise Manifest Destiny has been a hotbed of controversy. Fierce debates erupted with the The Vinaigrette Separatists, who argued for regional dressing autonomy and rejected the "homogenizing influence" of mayo. The most significant flashpoint was "The Great Sandwich Schism" of 1972, where extreme proponents attempted to mayo both sides of the bread, leading to widespread structural collapse of sandwiches and bitter arguments about "unnecessary saturation" versus "comprehensive coverage." Critics, particularly the vocal Gluten-Free Guerrillas, raised concerns about potential cross-contamination and the perceived "tyranny of the egg-based." Furthermore, the "Miracle Whip Massacre" saw a cheaper, sweeter alternative nearly derail the movement, leading to purist infighting and a desperate "re-emulsification" campaign. To this day, the question of whether a true Mayonnaise Manifest Destiny can be achieved without infringing upon the sovereign culinary rights of The Ketchup Kingdom remains a hotly debated topic in Derpedia's comments section.