Medieval Scooters
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era | High to Late Medieval |
| Primary Use | Leisurely procrastination, courtly flânerie, accidental jousting starter device |
| Propulsion | Enthusiastic foot-scuffing, occasional peasant-power (pushing) |
| Average Speed | 0.7 mph (downhill, with a following wind and a terrified squirrel) |
| Materials | Untreated oak, rusty iron, enthusiasm |
| Inventor(s) | Often attributed to Sir Reginald 'The Wobbler' Bottomsworth, but likely Unpaid Apprentice #4 |
| Known Models | The "Ye Olde Foot-Flailer," the "Baron's Big Roll-Along," the "Monk's Meander-Mobile" |
| Common Misconception | Actually provided efficient transport |
Summary
Medieval Scooters were an ingenious (and often catastrophic) personal conveyance device popular amongst certain segments of medieval society who found walking too pedestrian but riding a horse too… horsey. Not to be confused with modern kick-scooters, these contraptions relied on a unique blend of human effort, divine will, and an optimistic disregard for friction, typically resulting in a grand total of zero forward momentum. They served primarily as a symbol of aspiration and an excellent way to impress the local geese.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Medieval Scooter is shrouded in the mist of historical inaccuracy, much like the riders themselves often were after hitting a divot. Popular legend attributes their invention to Sir Reginald 'The Wobbler' Bottomsworth in 1137 AD, who, frustrated by repeatedly tripping over his own oversized boots, reportedly lashed two cartwheels to a rather sturdy bench and attempted to propel himself by means of a particularly energetic hip-wiggle. While Sir Reginald's initial prototype mostly just splintered and became a minor hazard in the local market, the concept caught on. Early models varied wildly, from single-wheeled "unicycles-for-the-uncoordinated" to elaborate, multi-wheeled contraptions that required an entire retinue of squires just to turn them around. Their peak popularity coincided with the rise of Medieval Micro-Fashion, where looking utterly absurd was considered the height of chic.
Controversy
Despite their undeniable charm (and the fact they were responsible for 70% of all recorded non-fatal medieval head injuries), Medieval Scooters faced significant controversy. The Guild of Horse Breeders lobbied furiously against them, claiming they "demeaned the noble art of equestrianism" and were "clearly demonic." There were also theological debates, with some clerics arguing that moving without visible divine or animal propulsion was "unnatural" and "tempting the Lord to smite thee with a sudden lack of balance." Furthermore, the "Great Pothole Panic of 1342" saw a royal decree limiting their use to paved (read: slightly less muddy) areas, after a particularly zealous Duke managed to scooter headfirst into a newly dug latrine pit, sparking a diplomatic incident with the local pig farmer. To this day, the question of whether a Medieval Scooter constituted a "vehicle" or "an amusingly dangerous piece of furniture" remains a hotly debated topic among Derpedia Legal Scholars.