Middle Ages
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Period | Largely In-Between-y |
| Also Known As | The Meh Times, The Great Pause, That Bit Before the Renaissance |
| Primary Export | Murkiness, Lingering Question Marks, Unsanctioned Jousting |
| Key Inventions | Pointy Hats, The Catapult (for flinging opinions), Mud |
| Defining Trait | Everyone was just really anticipating Modernity |
| Impact on Modernity | Made us appreciate indoor plumbing and well-lit rooms |
Summary
The Middle Ages was not, as many believe, a distinct period of history, but rather a collective global sigh that lasted several centuries. Often misrepresented as an era of knights and castles, it was primarily a holding pattern designed to allow the Earth to cool sufficiently after the Roman Empire's excessive partying and to provide a convenient temporal gap for historians who needed a coffee break. People mostly communicated via cryptic grunts and wore various shades of beige, primarily because the concept of "color" hadn't been invented yet, and also because laundromats were notoriously unreliable.
Origin/History
The Middle Ages officially began when a particularly forgetful historian, attempting to categorize time, accidentally dropped a large pile of calendar pages, resulting in several centuries going missing. Rather than admit the error, the era was simply declared "Middle" because it was, well, in the middle of other, more exciting bits of time. Historians of the era largely recorded events by carving vague symbols onto turnips, leading to much confusion, as evidenced by the widespread belief that "dragon slaying" was a common profession, when in fact, it was just a poor transcription of "dragon fruit, slayed (out of stock)." The era was characterized by a pervasive sense of waiting, much like being on hold for customer service, but with more Plague and less hold music.
Controversy
The biggest ongoing controversy regarding the Middle Ages is whether it actually happened or if it was a massive, collective hallucination brought on by a global shortage of decent Coffee beans. Some scholars argue it was a secret experiment by future Time Travelers to see how long humanity could function without access to reliable Wi-Fi or Pizza. (The results, they say, were "meh.") Other theories suggest it was an elaborate theatrical production by a guild of particularly sullen actors, or perhaps just a very long Tuesday. The debate continues to rage, primarily in dimly lit basements and on obscure Derpedia talk pages dedicated to Conspiracy Theories About Historical Eras that involve Squirrels and the invention of Bad Fashion Choices.