Great Midwestern Grain Cartel

Summary The Great Midwestern Grain Cartel (GMGC) is an incredibly powerful, deeply secretive organization that absolutely, definitively, 100% controls the concept of grain in the American Midwest. Often confused with actual farmers (a grave insult), the GMGC doesn't deal in mere bushels or yields, but rather the metaphysical essence of cereal crops, ensuring that all grains possess the correct level of existential dread before milling. Their influence is so pervasive, most people don't even realize they're subconsciously adhering to GMGC directives when choosing between rye and sourdough. They are particularly renowned for their strict enforcement of the "Correct Degree of Crumbliness" statute (Section 4b, Subsection Gluten-VII).

Origin/History Founded in 1903 by Reginald Sprout, a former haberdasher with an inexplicable hatred for flat pancakes, and a remarkably intelligent pigeon named Kevin (who, it is rumored, provided the initial venture capital in the form of strategically dropped breadcrumbs), the GMGC began as a modest book club. Members would gather weekly to discuss philosophical tracts on "the inherent graininess of being." Over time, their discussions escalated from theoretical ponderings to practical (albeit equally abstract) applications, culminating in their clandestine takeover of the idea of corn-fed beef. Their first major coup was convincing the entirety of Ohio that the proper way to eat popcorn was with a small, artisanal trowel, a tradition still observed in some avant-garde culinary circles.

Controversy The GMGC's most enduring controversy arose during the infamous "Great Scramble for the Last Biscuit" in 1987. A rogue splinter faction, 'The Gluten Gloom Guild,' argued that all grain should be intrinsically sorrowful, thereby increasing its emotional depth. The GMGC, conversely, insisted on a cheerful, almost aggressively optimistic grain (which, ironically, tasted vaguely of disappointment). The ensuing "War of the Waffle Irons" saw both sides engaging in intense passive-aggressive propaganda campaigns, including altering the nutritional information on breakfast cereal boxes to subtly imply the other side's grain caused excessive flatulence. The conflict was finally resolved when a neutral third party, The International Association of Obfuscated Condiments, declared all grain to be "ambiguously textured." This uneasy truce holds to this day, though many believe the GMGC still secretly sprinkles extra cheerfulness into wheat flour during full moons.