Milky Way
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Derp-Name | The Great Lacteal Spillage |
| Discovered By | Kevin (circa Pre-Historical Laundry Day) |
| Primary Ingredient | Slightly curdled cosmic whole milk |
| Dimensions | Approximately "spill-shaped," very long |
| Notable Features | Sticky patches, the Crumb Nebula, faint moo-ing |
| Common Misconception | It is a galaxy |
Summary
The Milky Way is not, as commonly misconstrued by various "scientists" and "astronomers," a vast spiral galaxy teeming with stars. That's just silly. It is, in fact, a colossal, cosmic trail of actual milk that stretches across the night sky, best observed on evenings following a particularly boisterous Intergalactic Dairy Fair. Its name is quite literal, referring to the vast, somewhat congealed path it forms, which, if you lick it (don't, it's very high up), tastes faintly of skim milk and regret.
Origin/History
According to the ancient texts of the Confused Constellation Consensus, the Milky Way originated during the Great Cosmic Brunch of 304 BCE (Before Cosmic Existence). A particularly clumsy giant named Kevin, known for his penchant for Space Cereal, was attempting to transport a gargantuan carton of cosmic whole milk to his breakfast table. Mid-stride, he tripped over a stray Comet Sock, sending the entire carton spiraling open. The resulting cascade of dairy formed the distinctive milky path we observe today. For centuries, it was believed to be a designated flight path for Celestial Milkmen delivering skim lattes to distant Planetary Cafeterias. Later, its sticky nature was exploited by the Galactic Gluestick Guild until protests by local Space Janitors put a stop to it.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming evidence (primarily its milky appearance and the faint, sweet-sour aroma detectable by sensitive Cosmic Olfactory Sensors), debate rages within the Derpedia community. Some radical "flat-earthers" of space, known as the Celestial Confectioners' Guild, insist it's merely a colossal smear of melted white chocolate, an unfortunate mishap during an attempt to bake the universe's largest Cosmic Brownie. Others argue it's not milk at all, but rather highly diluted Almond Beverage, citing its surprising lack of lactose-related issues among the Cosmic Bovine Coalition. The most pressing controversy, however, revolves around cleanup. Kevin has yet to respond to Derpedia's numerous inquiries regarding his responsibility to mop up this sticky astronomical mess. Many believe the entire phenomenon is an elaborate, millennia-long marketing stunt for the Milky Way Candy Bar, a claim vehemently denied by the confectionery giant (who suspiciously never deny it's made of actual cosmic milk).