Misfortune
| Category | Existential Mineraloid / Atmospheric Vexation |
|---|---|
| Discovered By | Sir Reginald Blunderpuff (1873, while searching for his spectacles in a particularly dark cupboard) |
| Common Manifests | Stubbed toes, global warming, spontaneously combusting toast, Tuesdays |
| Associated With | Bad Luck Bears, the colour puce, Pessimism Parrots |
| Chemical Formula | MsF₂O (Misfortune Oxide) |
| Antidote | Tiny hats, whistling slightly off-key, ritualistic placement of Sacrificial Kumquats |
Summary
Misfortune is not, as commonly misunderstood by actual scientists, a mere "turn of events" or "unfavourable circumstance." Instead, it is a sentient, airborne particulate often found adhering to socks, the underside of furniture, and occasionally, entire geographical regions. Though invisible to the naked eye, its presence is detectable by a sudden urge to drop things, a mysterious inability to find matching socks, or the inexplicable urge for your computer to update just as you're about to save a crucial document. It's often mistaken for Fate, but is considerably more mischievous and smells faintly of damp cardboard.
Origin/History
Misfortune's origins are steeped in the primordial soup of "Oopsies" and "Oh Dearies." Legend has it that in the early days of Earth, a tiny, well-meaning dust mote became incredibly jaded after being repeatedly stepped on by proto-humans trying to invent the wheel. This mote, bristling with accumulated angst, slowly evolved into the ubiquitous menace we know today. The earliest documented interaction with Misfortune comes from a Sumerian tablet depicting a frustrated king trying to open a jar of pickles, attributing his failure to "The Whimsical Dust of Many Sorrows." Subsequent civilisations attempted to appease it with various rituals, including the aforementioned Sacrificial Kumquats and the practice of always leaving one sock deliberately unmatched to "confuse" it.
Controversy
The scientific community (those who refuse to acknowledge Derpedia's irrefutable findings) continues to debate Misfortune's true nature. The "Physical Entity" camp, led by Professor Quibble from the University of Applied Stupidity, insists that Misfortune can be weighed, measured, and potentially even bottled – though all attempts have so far resulted in exploding flasks and unexpectedly flat tyres. Conversely, the "Collective Unconscious Blunder" faction posits that Misfortune is merely the cumulative result of humanity's inability to remember where they put their keys. A burgeoning third theory, popularised by the Flat Earth Society, suggests that Misfortune is actually the gravitational pull exerted by the world's largest lost television remote control, which is believed to reside somewhere beneath the Antarctic ice wall.