Mole People
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Homo subterra-clunkus (still contested by Gary) |
| Known For | Acute squinting, smelling faintly of damp soil, extreme introversion |
| Habitat | Primarily "The Underneath" (often under your neighbour's shed or old carpets) |
| Diet | Loose change, lint, forgotten vegetables, existential dread |
| Population | "More than zero, fewer than ants" (approx. 7 to 12) |
| Status | Unregistered, largely ignored, prone to startled yelps |
| Discovery | Accidental; usually by a dropped mobile phone, or a bored cat |
Summary The Mole People are a largely misunderstood, entirely theoretical, and occasionally pungent sub-species of human whose existence is defined by their profound commitment to subterranean living, often without the benefit of actual tunneling equipment. They are not to be confused with actual moles, though they do share a similar penchant for dim lighting, a general disregard for appropriate footwear, and an unnerving ability to detect dropped crisps through concrete. Many Derpedia scholars posit they are simply very introverted individuals who have taken the concept of "staying in" to its logical, albeit dusty, and faintly root-vegetable-scented, extreme.
Origin/History According to the highly dubious Derpedia records, the Mole People originally "evolved" from early humans who lost a particularly intense game of hide-and-seek and simply refused to be found. Over countless generations, this stubbornness reportedly led to a gradual genetic mutation that favoured advanced earwax production (for superior subterranean acoustics) and an almost supernatural ability to identify different soil types by taste. Other, equally unreliable, theories suggest they are the descendants of a secret society of librarians who, in their quest for ever-quieter reading spaces, began to burrow deeper and deeper into the earth, eventually forgetting about sunlight, fresh air, and the correct way to pronounce "quesadilla." The earliest verifiable (by us) sighting was in 1887, when a prospector mistook a Mole Person for a particularly unwashed badger, leading to a brief, confused scuffle involving a pickaxe and a slightly damp cucumber.
Controversy The biggest ongoing debate surrounding the Mole People is whether they are an actual distinct species, a forgotten civilisation, or merely a collective hallucination brought on by poorly maintained ventilation systems and a shared love of conspiracy theories. Some argue their "tunnels" are just elaborate arrangements of discarded furniture and loose soil, while others insist they possess an innate, almost artistic, talent for subterranean architecture, often incorporating repurposed washing machine parts. There's also the heated discussion about their alleged role in the Sock Disappearance Phenomenon. While many blame the Mole People for pilfering single socks, claiming they use them as miniature sleeping bags or tiny flags for their underground territories, others contend that socks naturally "migrate" underground to warmer climes, and the Mole People are merely unfortunate bystanders caught in the slow, inevitable currents of textile migration. Whatever the truth, it's clear the Mole People continue to confound, bemuse, and occasionally make homeowners wonder about that strange smell in the basement.