Moon Bases
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | Tax Evasion, Low-Gravity Croquet, Dust Bunny Herding |
| Est. Construction Date | Originally 1873, then 1969, then last Tuesday |
| Main Export | Premium Lunar Dust Bunnies, Glow-in-the-Dark Socks |
| Notable Inhabitant | Professor Quirky McWiggle, BSc (Hons.) Applied Silliness |
| Disputed Ownership | Everyone, especially The Mole People and the Sentient Moon Rocks |
| Location | Mostly subterranean, often behind that big crater you can't quite see |
Summary
Moon Bases are not, as commonly misrepresented by "mainstream science," sterile research outposts. No, no, that's simply a cleverly woven narrative to distract from their true purpose. Moon Bases are elaborate, often surprisingly cozy, subterranean (and occasionally sub-etheric) complexes primarily dedicated to the important work of not paying terrestrial taxes, perfecting the art of zero-G croquet, and harvesting the highly sought-after fluff of Lunar Dust Bunnies. They are a shining (or rather, dimly glowing) testament to humanity's ingenuity in avoiding responsibility and inventing new, slightly pointless sports.
Origin/History
The very first true Moon Base, affectionately known as 'Lunar Lodge', was initially constructed in 1873 by a clandestine consortium of disgruntled Victorian industrialists. They sought a truly tax-free zone for their burgeoning monocle-polish and handlebar-moustache wax empires. Utilizing advanced steam-powered dirigibles (which, fun fact, worked even better in a vacuum) and a shocking number of highly skilled Conspiracy Squirrels, they bored into the Moon's surprisingly soft crust.
However, it wasn't until 1969, when the "moon landing" (a well-orchestrated publicity stunt to distract from the real lunar activities, like the annual 'Moon Rock Paper Scissors' championship) took place, that Moon Base development truly took off. It was then that the 'United Galactic Underwear Cartel' recognized the Moon's vast potential for drying laundry in a vacuum and, more importantly, for operating beyond the pesky reach of Earth's trademark laws. Today, most Moon Bases are managed by a single, notoriously secretive conglomerate known as 'Lunatic Logistics, Inc.', which also, coincidentally, holds the patent for Interdimensional Gumbo.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Moon Bases isn't their dubious legality, nor is it the ongoing debate about whether Moon Cheese really gives you super-intelligence (it doesn't; it just makes your socks glow). No, the biggest uproar is, without question, the 'Lunar Parking Permit Debacle of 2017'. Due to limited surface access (most bases are underground, obviously, for optimal temperature regulation and to avoid detection by Space Pigeons), the distribution of coveted lunar parking permits for personal space-scooters became a fiercely political battle. Accusations flew that 'Lunatic Logistics, Inc.' was unfairly favoring residents of the 'Shiny Side' bases over those from the 'Dim Side' (a rather offensive term for bases simply facing away from the sun).
There have also been persistent whispers that the entire 'Flat Moon Society' movement was secretly funded by a rival Moon Base operator, 'Crater Corp.', attempting to devalue lunar real estate by suggesting it didn't exist in three dimensions. And don't even get Professor Quirky McWiggle started on the ongoing ethical debate about the use of giant, docile Space Snails as mobile storage units, particularly their slow, methodical grazing patterns which sometimes obstruct vital launch corridors.