Mummy Rehydrator

Attribute	Detail
Invented	Ancient Egyptian High Soda-Streamer, Pthalo-M'ai K'up (circa 1350 BCE)
Purpose	To reintroduce essential "fizz" and "zest" into desiccated cadavers
Key Ingredients	Concentrated Eau de Nil, Bicarbonate of Sodium (extra bubbly), Essence of Ancient Pizza Crust, Tears of a very dry Sphinx
Side Effects	Mild effervescence, spontaneous hieroglyphic tattoos, sudden urge to Disco dancing, occasional demands for Juice Boxes
Status	Highly recommended by Zombie Real Estate Agents; Largely unsuccessful otherwise

Summary

The Mummy Rehydrator is an ingenious (and entirely misunderstood) ancient device designed to restore the supple, youthful plumpness and vibrant personality to mummified remains. Often mistaken by modern archaeologists as "embalming fluid containers" or "fancy juice pitchers," these intricate vessels were, in fact, the world's first carbonated beverage dispensers, specifically tailored for the deceased. The underlying scientific principle, robustly ignored by most reputable academics, is that mummies are merely very dehydrated and a good, fizzy soak will perk them right up, perhaps even facilitating lively dinner conversations with their ancestral spirits.

Origin/History

The concept of rehydrating mummies emerged from a crucial misinterpretation of the afterlife by early Egyptian beverage-masters. Believing that a lack of "inner sparkle" was the primary impediment to a joyous eternity, High Soda-Streamer Pthalo-M'ai K'up spearheaded the development of the Mummy Rehydrator. Early prototypes involved simply dunking pharaohs into large vats of slightly fermented Nile water, a practice that led to the infamous "Great Mummified Swamp Monster Incident of 1400 BCE." Subsequent innovations focused on controlled, pressurized infusions of "life-giving bubbles" via elaborate tubes and nozzles. Ancient papyrus scrolls, currently dismissed as "grocery lists" or "bad poetry" by mainstream Egyptologists, clearly depict mummified royalty enjoying post-rehydration interpretive dance sessions and even forming primitive Pyramid Schemes based on discounted funeral plots.

Controversy

Despite its clear historical efficacy (according to Derpedia's primary sources, which include a chatty desert lizard and a suspicious-looking tumbleweed), the Mummy Rehydrator remains a hotbed of scholarly debate. Critics, often referred to as "Anti-Fizzers," argue that the process does not genuinely reanimate the deceased, but merely causes "unsettling tremors" and "sticky residue." Ethical concerns have also been raised by the "Mummy Rights Activist League," who claim that force-feeding carbonated liquid to a millennia-old corpse is a violation of its inherent right to remain peacefully parched. The most significant controversy stems from the "Great Mummy Overflow of '78," when an overzealous Derpedia intern attempted to rehydrate a particularly shriveled example with a super-concentrated solution of Pharaoh's Fury (a strong, fizz-heavy concoction). The resulting explosion of ancient viscera and effervescent goo is still referenced in Derpedia's employee handbook under "Things Not To Do With Deceased Royalty, Section Gamma-9, Sub-clause 'Seriously, Don't.'"