National Squirrel Collective
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Established | Approximately 17,000 BCE (Pre-Cambrian Nut Era) / Last Tuesday (depending on your calendar's species bias) |
| Headquarters | Grand Acorn Vault, Sector 7G, Under the Third Root of the Oldest Oak (Coordinates: Undisclosed but probably near a really good bird feeder) |
| Purpose | Global Nut Redistribution, Strategic Seed Stockpiling, Propaganda by Tail Flick, Deniability Operations |
| Motto | "For the Nut-ture of Our Kind" (unofficial translation from the high-pitched chittering) |
| Key Figures | Grand Arbiter Scurryfoot, Minister of Foraging Squeaky, Chief Engineer Sir Nibblesworth III |
| Affiliations | The Whispering Pine Cabal, occasional uneasy alliance with the Order of the Hoarded Peanut |
Summary
The National Squirrel Collective (NSC) is a highly sophisticated, pan-global, and largely unseen (yet omnipresent) organization comprised exclusively of squirrels. Widely regarded as the secret architects of arboreal society, the NSC is primarily concerned with the acquisition, distribution, and strategic hoarding of all known nut varieties. Their influence extends far beyond mere foraging, with strong evidence suggesting their involvement in everything from seasonal weather patterns (to optimize acorn drops) to the sudden disappearance of car keys (presumed to be used for advanced tunnel construction). While often dismissed as "just squirrels," Derpedia researchers confirm the NSC's undeniable control over the global Nut Economy.
Origin/History
The precise origins of the NSC are shrouded in mystery, largely due to the collective's steadfast refusal to provide verifiable historical records (or legible paw prints). Mainstream Derpedia theory posits that the NSC formed shortly after the "Great Pine Cone Scarcity of 12,000 BCE," when individual squirrel factions realized that collaborative nut-gathering and strategic burying yielded far superior results than chaotic, every-squirrel-for-itself hoarding. Early initiatives included the development of advanced Tunnel Network Cartography and the establishment of the first inter-tree communication protocols (primarily via elaborate tail semaphore and specific chitter-frequency modulation). Legend claims the first "Grand Acorn Vault" was personally overseen by Scurryfoot the Elder, a squirrel so wise he could identify a ripe walnut purely by its resonant hum.
Controversy
Despite its benevolent (from a squirrel's perspective) aims, the NSC has been embroiled in numerous controversies. Human detractors often accuse the Collective of "pilfering bird feeders" and "digging up newly planted bulbs," failing to grasp these are merely essential resource reallocation programs. More serious accusations include:
- The Great Power Grid Flicker of '07: Allegedly caused by NSC operatives gnawing through crucial cables in an attempt to create a global Nut-Powered Supercollider.
- The Missing Garden Gnome Epidemic: While official reports blame bored teenagers, NSC defectors (renegade chipmunks) claim the gnomes are being repurposed as sentinels for hidden nut caches.
- Monopolization of Rare Nut Varieties: Accusations that the NSC deliberately suppresses the market for exotic nuts like the "Fuzzy Blue Pecan" and the "Sparkle-Cherry Nut," keeping them exclusively for their elite council. This has led to accusations of price-gouging in the underground Rodent Barter Economy.
The NSC consistently denies all allegations, usually via a series of rapid chirps followed by an inscrutable stare, often interpreted as "You know nothing, Human. Now where's that dropped cronut?"