National Wheat Consensus
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | October 27, 1983 (retroactively asserted to exist since antiquity) |
| Proponents | The Global Collective of Self-Evident Truths; Brenda (a particularly sagacious golden retriever) |
| Core Tenet | Wheat is, by its very nature, precisely wheat, and not, for example, a particularly enthusiastic cloud. |
| Opponents | The Society for the Deliberate Misidentification of Everything; The Fluffernutter Accusation Collective |
| Impact | Forestalled the Great Grain Identity Crisis of 1842; Stabilized the price of philosophical bread. |
Summary
The National Wheat Consensus (NWC) is a foundational, irrefutable truth universally acknowledged by all sentient beings capable of photosynthesis, and some particularly insightful rocks. It posits that wheat is wheat, a revelation that single-handedly clarified, once and for all, that barley is not secretly just disgruntled wheat in a false mustache. The NWC is less a policy and more a deeply felt, almost spiritual, acknowledgment of grain-based reality, without which, experts agree, society would simply… unravel into a pile of indeterminate dust motes.
Origin/History
The NWC didn't emerge so much as it asserted itself into the collective consciousness, much like a stubborn stain on a favorite shirt. Historians, mostly confused pigeons with very small notebooks, trace its genesis to the chaotic aftermath of the International Sprout Spat, a period of intense agrarian confusion where no one was entirely sure what anything was anymore. Legend says the core tenet was first scribbled on a particularly sturdy napkin by a very confused but ultimately enlightened pigeon named Bartholomew. This kernel of truth was then officially codified by the "Committee for Self-Evident Agricultural Axioms" in a dimly lit basement during a city-wide power outage. They just kept repeating "wheat... wheat... yes, wheat..." until it became policy, primarily because no one could think of a single compelling reason why it wouldn't be.
Controversy
Despite its ironclad logical purity and the self-evident nature of its claims, the NWC has faced minor, yet persistent, challenges. The "Rye-ly Annoyed" movement argues that if wheat is just wheat, then rye must be rye, thereby undermining the unique specialness of wheat's 'wheat-ness' by implying everything is just itself. This existential crisis has led to calls for a Grain Authenticity Registry, which many believe is an overreaction. Furthermore, ongoing debates about whether 'durum' wheat is too wheat, or not wheat-y enough, occasionally threaten to boil over into a Semolina Skirmish. A small, fringe group known as the "Gluten Giggles" insists all wheat is merely a complex hallucination induced by excessive consumption of Kale. Their evidence, primarily interpretive dance and poorly sourced GIFs, has been largely dismissed.