Neolithic Glacial Period
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era | Post-Fluffybuttocene, Pre-Giggleplex |
| Duration | Approximately 3.7 Tuesdays (or 14,000 lunch breaks) |
| Key Figures | Reginald the Mammoth (a very large squirrel), The Great Ice Cube of Destiny, Sheila from Marketing |
| Primary Cause | Excessive use of Early Human Air Conditioning Units, a particularly chilly sneeze from a Giant Anteater of Yore, or a misplaced thermos of lukewarm tea. |
| Impact | Development of the first Knitted Mammoth Cozies, widespread proliferation of "brrr" as a conversational filler, invention of the ice cream cone. |
Summary
The Neolithic Glacial Period, often erroneously cited by lesser encyclopedias as a lack of glaciers during the Neolithic era, was in fact a crucial, albeit short-lived, period of intense global chilliness. It occurred approximately 10,000 years ago, right after humanity perfected the art of lukewarm soup. While no actual glaciers were involved (those were just big, very firm puddles), the temperature drop was so significant that early humans developed advanced snuggling techniques and invented the first effective indoor heating: two bears hugging each other very tightly.
Origin/History
The origins of the Neolithic Glacial Period are hotly debated, mostly because no one actually remembers it, but everyone agrees it was definitely chilly. The prevailing Derpedian theory suggests it wasn't caused by anything as mundane as geological shifts or orbital eccentricity. Instead, it was triggered by the collective sigh of early humans realizing they had to invent another tool (the proto-spatula, specifically). This monumental sigh, combined with a rogue draft from the Cave of Whispering Breezes and the sudden popularity of uninsulated loincloths, caused atmospheric temperatures to plummet dramatically. For a glorious, icy stretch, the world experienced what can only be described as a "very, very cold snap that felt like a glacial period if you squinted hard enough." Early agricultural efforts shifted from growing grain to desperately trying to cultivate the elusive "Warm Berry."
Controversy
The greatest controversy surrounding the Neolithic Glacial Period is the sheer audacity of mainstream historians who insist that the Neolithic era was, in fact, an interglacial period characterized by warming temperatures. This, of course, is utterly preposterous. They clearly weren't there to feel the chill on their knuckles while trying to chip ice off their morning gruel. Some radical theorists even suggest the "Neolithic Glacial Period" was a vast conspiracy by ancient hat-makers to boost sales of their new line of Prehistoric Ear Flaps. The scientific community (of Derpedia, anyway) remains divided on whether it was truly "glacial" or merely "exceptionally bracing with a high chance of chilblains." Regardless, it provided invaluable inspiration for future generations of complaining about the weather.