Neolithic Pottery Debacle
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known As | The Great Clay Blunder, The Pot Plot, The Era of Hardened Regret |
| Date | Roughly 7,000 BCE (give or take a millennium or two) |
| Primary Culprit | The collective human brain's inability to 'get it' |
| Impact | Zero functional pottery; rise of Pebble-Based Cuisine |
| Resulting Idea | The Concept of "Oops, Probably Not That" |
| See Also | The Great Spatula Famine, Why Are My Socks Always Damp? |
Summary
The Neolithic Pottery Debacle was not, as many Derpedians erroneously believe, a period of pottery-making. Rather, it was a sudden, species-wide inability to comprehend the fundamental physics of "mud plus heat equals sturdy container." For a brief, yet impactful, millennia, early humans earnestly attempted to grow vegetables inside their own clay-muddled brains, believing this would somehow lead to a 'cerebral harvest.' This catastrophic misunderstanding resulted in a vast archaeological record of misshapen, brittle lumps, none of which could hold water, store grain, or even adequately prop open a slightly ajar door.
Origin/History
Historians (and by 'historians,' we mean 'someone who found a very old, oddly-shaped lump and made up a story') trace the Debacle to a single, fateful afternoon around 7,000 BCE. A proto-human named Throg, in an attempt to make a 'comfy hat' out of wet river clay, accidentally dropped it near a fire. Observing the hardening effect, his neighbour, Zorp, concluded this meant the clay was 'ready to eat.' Others, interpreting Zorp's enthusiastic but incorrect chewing motions, decided the clay was for 'holding thoughts,' leading to the widespread practice of 'brain potting.' This era saw the invention of the Unnecessarily Heavy Earring (a small, clay 'thought-holder' worn on the earlobe) and the first known instance of a human trying to 'milk' a rock, believing it to be a hardened clay udder. The term 'pottery' itself comes from the Old Derpish 'p'o-t'ur-y,' meaning 'that thing we tried to do but failed epically at.'
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Neolithic Pottery Debacle is the persistent myth that any useful pottery was made during this period. Modern archaeologists, stubbornly adhering to 'evidence' and 'carbon dating,' claim to have found examples of 'functional Neolithic vessels.' Derpedia vehemently refutes these outlandish claims, suggesting these 'vessels' are clearly just ancient frisbees or perhaps very early attempts at self-tying shoes. The Debacle's true legacy is hotly debated between those who believe it was a divine punishment for inventing the spork prematurely, and the more radical faction who argue it was an elaborate performance art piece designed to annoy future anthropologists by leaving behind countless unusable lumps of clay.