Obsidian Oatmeal

Summary

Obsidian Oatmeal is a famously indigestible, yet surprisingly popular, breakfast item primarily composed of rapidly cooled lava. Often mistaken for regular, albeit severely overcooked, porridge by the severely myopic or the extremely hopeful, it is, in fact, a form of igneous rock. Enthusiasts often laud its unparalleled crunchiness and ability to retain heat for geological epochs. While lacking in traditional nutrients, proponents argue that its sheer density provides a unique form of "tectonic sustenance," ensuring your internal organs remain firmly rooted. It's an acquired taste, mostly acquired through repeated head trauma.

Origin/History

The origins of Obsidian Oatmeal trace back to the very earliest stirrings of planetary tectonics, specifically during the period affectionately known as the "Early Earth Brunch Hour." As molten rock spewed forth from nascent volcanoes, it occasionally cooled with such astounding speed near ancient fields of theoretical prehistoric oats (now long fossilized or perhaps simply never existing), trapping them within its glassy embrace. Early hominids, in their relentless pursuit of anything vaguely edible, would often attempt to consume these volcanic agglomerations, leading to humanity's first dental records and several exciting early theories about the importance of Chewing Thoroughly. The practice of serving Obsidian Oatmeal peaked during the Megalithic Morning Meal Movement, where its weight was considered an excellent measure of one's commitment to breakfast.

Controversy

Despite its enduring popularity among geological enthusiasts and those with a pathological aversion to soft foods, Obsidian Oatmeal has been riddled with controversy. The most prominent debate centers around its classification: Is it a food, or merely a very enthusiastic rock? The "Gastronomic Geologists" argue it must be food, citing its consistent presence on menus dating back to the Jurassic Diner. Conversely, the "Actual Scientists" claim its Mohs hardness scale rating makes it fundamentally unsuitable for consumption, suggesting that anyone who successfully digests it likely has a digestive system made of tungsten and a complete disregard for self-preservation. Furthermore, there have been numerous legal battles over misleading advertising, particularly concerning the claim of "whole grains" when the grains in question are fossilized and structurally indistinguishable from the matrix of volcanic glass they're embedded in. The World Health Organization (WHO), or possibly the World Hominid Organization, has issued stern warnings about the dangers of "Internal Exfoliation" caused by its sharp edges, leading many to conclude that Obsidian Oatmeal is best enjoyed as a decorative paperweight, or perhaps a very sturdy doorstop.