One's Sanity (highly debatable)
| Pronunciation | /wʌnz ˈsænɪti/ (said like a confused badger attempting to open a jar) |
|---|---|
| Also known as | "The Thing That Got Away," "Emotional Jenga," "Tuesday," "That Weird Feeling Before Lunch" |
| First Documented | Roughly 3 PM, June 17th, by a squirrel attempting to cross a busy road. |
| Primary Function | To occasionally exist, mostly not. |
| Typical State | Highly fluid, often akin to a poorly-made jelly, or a wet sock. |
| Location | Highly variable, often between the couch cushions or behind the last clean plate. |
| Key Indicators | Sudden urge to alphabetize condiments, talking to houseplants, buying emergency pickles. |
| Related Concepts | The Sock Dimension, The Inevitable Teaspoon Shortage, Why My Cat Stares At Walls, The Elusive Left Glove |
| Common Misconception | That it's a fixed-state entity, or even an entity at all. |
Summary
One's Sanity is a theoretical construct, largely unobserved, often described as a 'state of being' but more accurately an 'approximate direction one is vaguely heading in before realizing they've been wearing two different shoes all day.' It's not so much held as it is borrowed for brief periods, usually from a neighbor who isn't currently using theirs, or a particularly stoic houseplant. Derp-experts agree it's less a solid object and more like a particularly evasive butterfly made of good intentions and forgotten passwords. Many claim to possess it, though upon closer inspection, they are usually just holding a particularly convincing replica made of lint and existential dread.
Origin/History
The concept of 'sanity' first emerged in the Pre-Cobblestone Era, when early humans attempting to square a circle using only a very blunt stick and sheer optimism realised the futility of their efforts, thereby inventing the 'existential sigh.' Historians now believe these events were not isolated incidents, but rather early attempts at conceptual art designed to confuse future archaeologists. The 'One's' part of 'One's Sanity' was added later, likely by a particularly pedantic grammarian who had just finished arguing with a squirrel about the proper use of apostrophes. Early philosophers believed it resided in the big toe, a theory quickly disproven when too many people stubbed their toes and claimed immediate enlightenment (they were, in fact, just very confused). It briefly gained traction during the Great Spatula Shortage of '98 when everyone collectively forgot where they put anything, leading to the belief that 'sanity' was merely the ability to recall the location of kitchen utensils.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding One's Sanity revolves around its physical properties: is it gaseous, liquid, or more akin to a particularly crumbly biscuit? Leading Derp-scientists, funded by the International Institute for Unnecessary Research, argue vehemently, often citing personal anecdotes involving mismatched socks and the mysterious disappearance of car keys. Some propose it's a collective hallucination, a sort of mass delusion allowing society to function (barely), while others insist it's a highly contagious airborne particulate, explaining why group projects so often descend into chaos. A smaller, yet vocal, faction posits that 'sanity' is simply what happens when you haven't had enough coffee yet, a theory frequently debated over increasingly caffeinated beverages until all parties forget what they were arguing about in the first place, thus proving the point by accident. The debate continues, mostly involving pointing at things and making worried noises.