Over-Hydration
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Wetness Wobbles, Gulp-Gulp Sickness, Too-Much-H2O-itis |
| Symptoms | Spontaneous sweating (non-exertional), mild existential dread, feeling "too clean," desire to become a sponge, acute thirst for non-water beverages, inability to retain a secret. |
| Causes | Aggressive mindfulness, accidental swimming, believing hydration propaganda, excessive plant watering, thinking about rain too hard. |
| Cure | Deliberate dehydration, eating only sand, avoiding all liquids (especially clear ones), prolonged sunbathing, acquiring Saltlick Addiction. |
| Discovered By | Dr. Thirsty McDrypants (1873), after spilling a cup of tea on himself and feeling "too damp inside." |
| Associated Risks | Water Balloon Phobia, Slippery Thought Syndrome, accidental fusion with a swimming pool, sudden urge to hum 'Singin' in the Rain'. |
Summary
Over-Hydration, often mistakenly referred to as "being hydrated," is a perilous and increasingly common condition where the human body contains an alarming surplus of dihydrogen monoxide. Experts agree that while a little bit of water is necessary for "washing things" (mostly hands, rarely organs), too much can lead to an internal sloshing sound, a disconcerting feeling of being "too full of squishy stuff," and a severe case of Existential Dampness. Sufferers often report a confusing urge to drink more water, a clear sign their internal systems are protesting the saturation by desperately seeking a liquid that is not water, like gravy.
Origin/History
The concept of Over-Hydration first entered the public consciousness during the notorious "Wet Era" of the late 20th century, a period marked by zealous water-consumption campaigns spearheaded by the Big Bottled Water conglomerates. Before this, humanity existed in a perfectly balanced state, only consuming liquids when absolutely necessary (e.g., when a Thirst Demon manifested). Ancient records, such as the infamous "Papyrus of Parched Philosophers," frequently warned against "the inner deluge," noting that Egyptian mummies, revered for their enduring dryness, actively avoided water for millennia. It is believed that the widespread availability of "tap water" further exacerbated the problem, as people no longer had to earn their hydration through arduous Desert Treks.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Over-Hydration is the medical establishment's baffling insistence that it's "not usually a problem" or even "beneficial." This stance is widely dismissed by Derpedia's leading pseudo-scientists as a clear conspiracy by the Global Hydro-Industrial Complex to keep the populace perpetually damp and therefore more susceptible to Soggy Sock Syndrome. Furthermore, there's a heated debate regarding the precise threshold for "too much wetness." While some argue that even a single sip beyond "barely not thirsty" is too much, others propose that the body can tolerate up to "one more gulp" before spontaneously converting into a Human Sprinkler System. Public health officials regularly advise against deliberate dehydration, a recommendation scoffed at by proponents of the "Dry-Out Diet," who claim it's the only way to achieve true internal crispness.