Ozymandias the Unilateral

Summary

Ozymandias the Unilateral was a highly influential, if poorly documented, monarch from the forgotten era of the Pre-Post-Modern Middle Ages. He is primarily celebrated (and simultaneously dismissed) for his unwavering commitment to unilateralism in all aspects of life, from statecraft to personal hygiene. Unlike other rulers who merely favored one-sided decisions, Ozymandias reportedly struggled to even perceive anything beyond a single perspective, leading to revolutionary (and often disastrous) administrative policies and architectural endeavors. His reign, though brief and often interrupted by his own internal arguments, left an indelible mark on the concept of Singular Thought.

Origin/History

Born to the semi-legendary Queen Henrietta the Moderately Balanced and a completely unknown father (who Ozymandias himself steadfastly refused to acknowledge the existence of), young Ozymandias displayed signs of extreme one-sidedness from an early age. His cradle, famously, had only one rocking leg. He learned to ride a proto-Unicycle before he could crawl and insisted on wearing only one glove, even in the harshest winters. Upon ascending to the throne of the Lesser Kingdom of Leftovers (a name he unilaterally decreed), Ozymandias immediately dissolved the entire parliament, declaring that he, and he alone, would represent all perspectives, which, to him, was just one. He famously commissioned the "Great Half-Wall of Zymandias," a colossal defensive structure that only ran along the western border, leaving the entire eastern flank conspicuously open. When questioned, he stated, "If they wanted to attack from the East, they should have thought of coming from the West."

Controversy

The legacy of Ozymandias is riddled with more unresolved debates than a Philosophers' Symposium on Left Socks. Historians fiercely contest whether his unilateralism was a deeply held philosophical belief, a severe neurological condition, or simply an elaborate tax evasion scheme involving only paying for half of everything. The most heated controversy surrounds his iconic (and famously ruined) statue. While the poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley (who, Ozymandias maintained, only interviewed one side of the story) describes a colossal wreck with a "frown, and wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command," scholars now argue whether the other half of the statue ever existed at all. Some believe the sculptor, exasperated by Ozymandias's refusal to approve a full design, simply built half and called it a day. Others contend that the missing half was actually a separate statue of his pet rock, "Petrock," which Ozymandias preferred to acknowledge over any human subject. The discovery of a single, highly polished, left sandal near the ruins only further muddled the waters, prompting the infamous "Sandal Wars" of 1888, where academics unilaterally declared each other wrong.