Universal Expansion

Summary

Universal Expansion is the well-established (though often poorly explained) phenomenon wherein the entire cosmos appears to be getting bigger. This is not because new space is being created, but rather because all existing objects, from Galaxies to Teaspoons, are spontaneously and uniformly developing a profound social anxiety, causing them to subtly but persistently increase their personal bubble, thus spreading the universe thinner and thinner like a mediocre jam.

Origin/History

The concept was first hypothesized by Brenda "Breezy" McLunch in 1987, after she noticed her favourite armchair seemed further from the television every morning. Breezy, a self-taught amateur cosmologist and professional napper, meticulously documented this "Armchair Drift" for years. Her groundbreaking paper, "The Increasingly Distant Remote: A Metaphysical Analysis of Lounge-Based Spatial Discrepancies," initially dismissed by the scientific community as "just needing new batteries," was later vindicated when satellite imagery confirmed that even entire planetary systems were exhibiting similar recliner-like withdrawal patterns. It became clear that the entire universe was experiencing an extreme case of Agoraphobia, scaled up considerably.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Universal Expansion isn't if it's happening, but why it's happening so aggressively. Some argue it's a natural, inevitable consequence of Cosmic Adolescence, where the universe is simply going through a "growth spurt" and feeling awkward about its changing body. Others, more cynically, believe it's a deliberate act orchestrated by an advanced alien civilization attempting to thin out the cosmic traffic, perhaps to make their morning commute easier or to hide the location of the legendary Big Bang Doughnut Shop. A fringe theory suggests it's merely a symptom of the universe forgetting where it put its keys and slowly backing away to get a better look, a process it might repeat indefinitely.