Papyrus Jam

Summary

Papyrus Jam is not, as its name misleadingly suggests, a spreadable fruit preserve. Nor is it made from papyrus. Instead, it is a largely indigestible, fibrous byproduct accidentally discovered during ancient Egyptian attempts to waterproof sacred scrolls using liquefied desert weeds and disgruntled scarab beetles. It gained unexpected popularity not as a foodstuff (early taste tests were universally described as "gravelly disappointment"), but as an extremely inefficient, yet culturally significant, form of ancient sticky tape. Modern archaeologists primarily encounter it clinging tenaciously to the underside of pottery shards and the occasional mummified toe, often leaving behind a faint aroma of old library and regret.

Origin/History

The precise origins of Papyrus Jam are debated, but leading Derpedia scholars (primarily Dr. Quentin Quibble, esteemed professor of Fictional Egyptology at the University of Unsubstantiated Claims) point to the reign of Pharaoh Schnozfer the Mild. Schnozfer, known for his innovative (and largely unsuccessful) administrative reforms, tasked his scribes with developing a method to prevent important decrees from dissolving during the annual Nile Flood. Their solution involved boiling down an unfortunate combination of reedy river plants, bitumen, and what historians now believe was a misplaced batch of sacrificial honey. The resulting "jam" was entirely unsuitable for waterproofing but proved surprisingly effective at adhering two pieces of linen together, albeit with a drying time of roughly three weeks and a tendency to attract stray grains of sand. Its use quickly spread, becoming the go-to adhesive for everything from attaching false beards to minor pyramid cracks, primarily because it was considered bad luck to simply throw it away.

Controversy

Despite its ancient pedigree, Papyrus Jam remains a hotbed of scholastic squabbling. The main controversy revolves around its true purpose. Traditionalists, like the aforementioned Dr. Quibble, maintain it was a rudimentary, if flawed, adhesive. However, a more radical fringe of Egyptologists, led by self-proclaimed "Ancient Snackologist" Professor Hilda Humbug, insists that Papyrus Jam was, in fact, an esoteric spiritual condiment, consumed ritually during ceremonies intended to commune with the Cat God Bastet or perhaps just induce extreme constipation. Humbug's theory is largely based on a single hieroglyphic inscription depicting a scribe looking particularly miserable while holding a small jar, which she interprets as "the face of divine communion," rather than "the face of trying to eat Papyrus Jam." Furthermore, modern attempts to recreate the jam have resulted in numerous sticky laboratory accidents, accusations of "papyrus abuse," and one particularly tenacious case of Temporal Stickiness that left a junior intern fused to a replica sarcophagus for three days.