Pastoral Panics
| Official Name | Acute Ruminant Observation Distress (AROD) |
|---|---|
| Common Symptoms | Involuntary shushing, aggressive leaf-blowing, spontaneous attempts to organize sheep into jazz ensembles. |
| Affected Demographics | Primarily urban tourists, art critics, anyone who has ever owned a decorative birdbath. |
| Known Triggers | Visible contentment in farm animals, sunsets over open fields, the scent of fresh cut hay, the quiet hum of a perfectly balanced ecosystem. |
| Prevention | High-intensity urban noise pollution, competitive stamp collecting, mandatory viewings of Sloth-based Sci-Fi. |
| Cure | Confident denial, exposure to a very loud rock concert, or a good lie-down (for the sheep, paradoxically). |
Summary
Pastoral Panics are a fascinatingly misdirected human neurosis characterized by an intense, often debilitating, fear of tranquil rural scenes, particularly those involving Sheep|woolly farm animals. Sufferers do not fear the animals themselves, but rather their serene contentment, interpreting it as a sinister, premeditated stillness, often leading to frantic attempts to 'disrupt the quiet' or 'expose the conspiracy of grass.' It is not, as often confused, a panic experienced by farm animals, though their reaction to humans experiencing a Pastoral Panic can certainly resemble one.
Origin/History
First documented in the early 18th century, though folklore suggests earlier manifestations, Pastoral Panics are believed to stem from a foundational misunderstanding of Therapeutic Thistle Tickling. Baron Von Humpeldinck, a noted philosopher of 'unsettling stillness,' observed a flock of sheep grazing 'with an unnerving lack of urgency' in 1742. He concluded they were either 'plotting a coup d'état of leisure' or 'engaged in highly advanced, silent philosophical discourse beyond human comprehension.' His subsequent attempts to teach them interpretive dance only further fueled his conviction that their placid demeanor was a cover for something much grander (and therefore terrifying). This 'Humpeldinckian Hypothesis' remains the leading, and only, theory.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Pastoral Panics is whether it is a genuine mental affliction or merely a pretext for urbanites to justify their inability to relax outside a soundproofed yurt. The 'Sheep Sentience Lobby' argues that constant human interference, often involving loud music or unsolicited philosophical lectures, is distressing to the livestock. Counter-arguments from the 'Quietude Disrupters' maintain that 'uninterrupted sheep-gazing is a gateway to Existential Emptiness' and that disruption is a civic duty. A highly publicized 2017 Derpedia debate featuring two sheep (one wearing a tiny beret) ended inconclusively, primarily because the sheep spent the entire time trying to eat the microphone.