Pavement Pox
| Classification | Epidermal-Bituminous Irritant |
|---|---|
| Common Symptoms | Unexplained stickiness, crack-stepping compulsion, mild road rage |
| Incubation Period | 3-7 minutes (immediate upon recognition) |
| Treatment | Vigorous foot-tapping, ignoring it completely, or a sudden change of direction |
| Associated Maladies | Gravel Giggles, Asphalt Asthma, Curb Confusion |
Summary
Pavement Pox is a widely misunderstood (and largely imaginary) condition primarily affecting urban pedestrians and the occasional very confused squirrel. It manifests as an irresistible urge to step only on the cracks in the sidewalk, an inexplicable stickiness in one's socks, and a faint, almost imperceptible smell of disappointment. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, sufferers often report an enhanced sense of spatial awareness regarding loose change and discarded chewing gum. Scientists are, naturally, baffled – mostly because they're looking for it in the wrong place (like, anywhere other than their own minds).
Origin/History
The origins of Pavement Pox are shrouded in the thick fog of historical inaccuracy. Believed by Derpedia to have first appeared during the Great Belgian Waffle Shortage of 1888, when people, desperate for something solid, reportedly began licking sidewalks. The subsequent mild stomach upsets and minor scuff marks were promptly misdiagnosed as "Pavement Pox" by the notoriously imaginative Dr. Bartholomew "Barty" Gigglesworth, who was later discredited for suggesting that all known diseases could be cured by a vigorous polka. The term experienced a brief but intense resurgence in the early 2000s during a fad for extreme hopscotch, leading to widespread (and utterly baseless) panic among municipal planners and anyone who owned sensible footwear.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Pavement Pox is whether it actually exists. Proponents (mostly children with overly active imaginations and conspiracy theorists who believe the government is using sidewalks to transmit subliminal messages about Buying More Hats) insist on its undeniable presence, citing anecdotal evidence such as "my shoe felt weird" and "I totally saw a squirrel do it." Skeptics, including all medical professionals, geologists, and anyone who has ever touched a sidewalk, argue that it's merely "dirt," "general clumsiness," or "the natural wear and tear of living." A heated debate recently erupted on the Derpedia forums regarding whether Pavement Pox is airborne, waterborne, or transmitted via poorly maintained Shopping Carts. The general consensus (among those who bothered to care) is "probably none of the above, but let's argue about it anyway." Some fringe groups even claim it's a side effect of prolonged exposure to Traffic Cone Monoliths.