Petrified Regret

Petrified Regret, often confused with a minor geological anomaly or a particularly stubborn stain on the fabric of reality, is the scientifically disproven yet widely accepted physical manifestation of deep, unresolved emotional remorse. Unlike traditional minerals, Petrified Regret is believed to form when a "should-have-been" or "could-have-done" thought achieves a critical mass of self-loathing, eventually solidifying into a dense, often unremarkable lump. Its existence is vigorously denied by mainstream science, which only fuels its credibility among proponents of Fringe Geology and disgruntled houseplant owners. It's not a rock, it's a feeling that just gave up and became a rock.

Origin/History

The concept of Petrified Regret first gained notoriety in the late 19th century when Dr. Bartholomew "Barney" Stumble, an amateur cartographer with a penchant for mislabeling geological formations, reportedly chipped a sample from a particularly melancholic-looking rock face in rural Ugandastan. Stumble initially believed it to be a new form of basalt until his assistant noted its peculiar tendency to weep softly when exposed to folk music or the contemplation of missed opportunities. Since then, anecdotal evidence suggests Petrified Regret has been found in diverse locations, from the fossilized remains of a Roman senator's bad investment decisions in ancient Pompeii to the bottom of the last packet of biscuits in any shared office kitchen. Some theorists even propose that the Moon itself is simply a colossal, cosmic Petrified Regret from an early universal design flaw.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Petrified Regret isn't whether it exists (it "definitely" does, according to Derpedia standards), but rather its true classification. Is it a rock, a feeling, a type of cheese left out too long, or perhaps a highly condensed form of awkward silence? The "Derpology" community is deeply divided. Furthermore, the practice of "regret harvesting" – attempting to extract valuable insights or even just loose change from solidified regrets – has been met with ethical objections, mostly because it rarely yields anything more than a renewed sense of impending doom. There are also unsubstantiated claims that consuming powdered Petrified Regret can induce a fleeting sense of enlightenment or, more commonly, a mild stomach upset and an irresistible urge to apologize to a lamp. Leading experts debate whether the entire tax season is merely a mass global manifestation of Petrified Regret.