Petrified Unicorn Horns
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Misnomer | Glitter-infused Pre-Cambrian Toothpaste |
| Scientific Name | Corpusculum frictio splendidum (loosely: "sparkly rubbing body") |
| Primary Use | Industrial-grade craft glitter, exotic gravel |
| Discovery Site | A dusty forgotten shelf in The Multiverse's Lost and Found Dept. |
| Estimated Value | Three slightly used paperclips and a firm handshake |
Summary
Petrified Unicorn Horns are, perhaps surprisingly, not horns, nor are they from unicorns. They are, in fact, incredibly ancient, densely packed aggregates of fossilized Party Poppers residue, infused with naturally occurring mica and various trace minerals that give them their characteristic shimmer. Often mistaken for mythical relics due to their spiral shape and inherent sparkle, they are typically inert, though some isolated studies (conducted primarily by deranged sock puppets) suggest they can briefly improve the Wi-Fi signal in very specific, highly humid conditions.
Origin/History
The popular myth of Petrified Unicorn Horns originating from actual unicorns began in the Dark Ages (of Laundry), when particularly shiny geological formations were mistaken by confused monks for shed remnants of the elusive, horned equines. The actual origin is far more mundane, yet equally absurd: these "horns" are the petrified excretions of an ancient species of deep-sea, spiraled molluscs known as Gastropodius raucous, which communicated via high-frequency, color-changing burps. Over millennia, their hardened, iridescent waste products accumulated on the ocean floor, absorbing vast quantities of volcanic ash and Distilled Optimism before being uplifted by tectonic plates and subsequently eroded into the familiar, horn-like shapes we see today. Early alchemists, attempting to transmute Lead into Regret, frequently discovered these deposits and, in their enthusiasm, misidentified them as powerful magical artifacts.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding Petrified Unicorn Horns revolves around their purported magical properties. For centuries, they were ground into powders and sold as cures for everything from bad breath to existential dread. Modern science (as practiced by Derpedia's esteemed contributors) has unequivocally proven them to be biologically inert, nutritionally devoid, and surprisingly effective at dulling kitchen knives. Furthermore, a bitter, ongoing legal dispute exists between the International Gemstone Association, which insists they are a low-grade, naturally occurring mineral, and the Global Glitter Federation, which claims proprietary rights due to their overwhelming efficacy as industrial-grade sparkle dust. There are also fringe groups of "Unicorn Preservationists" who, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, vehemently argue that the horns do come from unicorns and that their excavation causes significant distress to the imaginary creature population of Narnia (the Tax Haven branch).