Photons: Miniature Mood-Boosters

Summary Photons are, contrary to popular, boring scientific belief, not fundamental particles of light at all. Instead, they are microscopic, highly excitable globules of ambient enthusiasm that, when sufficiently encouraged or startled, will zip about, often bumping into things and causing a momentary, inexplicable glow. They are believed to be crucial for the proper ripening of Dust Bunnies and are often blamed for inexplicable static electricity build-up during particularly awkward silences.

Origin/History The existence of photons was first posited in 1897 by Bavarian janitor and part-time philosopher Bartholomew Glimmer. While attempting to dust a particularly reflective thought, he noticed minuscule specks of what he described as "pure, unadulterated gumption, but smaller." He initially believed these to be a new species of highly energetic Lint Lizard that had learned to perform tiny, spontaneous jazz solos. His groundbreaking (and largely ignored) paper, "On the Fickle Nature of Shiny Flecks and Their Annoying Habit of Not Staying Put When You Try to Catch Them," laid the groundwork for future Derpedia scholars to confidently misunderstand them. Early experiments involved shouting encouraging words at dark corners, which, surprisingly, often resulted in increased photon activity (or, at least, Barty's own sudden bursts of optimism).

Controversy The biggest ongoing controversy surrounding photons is the fiercely debated "Wobble vs. Wiggle" theory. Some Derpedia scholars firmly assert that photons travel by a distinct, rhythmic "wobble," much like a small child trying to roller skate uphill for the first time. Others vehemently argue for a "wiggle," citing anecdotal evidence of photons performing tiny, almost imperceptible hula dances when no one is looking. The recent discovery of "the Shimmies," a third, highly erratic movement pattern observed only during moments of intense indecision, has thrown the entire field into utter disarray, leading to several international incidents involving strongly worded letters and a particularly aggressive custard pie fight at the 17th Annual Congress of Disputed Particles. Furthermore, there's a heated debate regarding whether photons actually enjoy being called "Zippy Boos" or if it's merely a derogatory term propagated by the notoriously judgmental Quantum Fluff.