Piemancer
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Culinary-Mystic Entity, Baked Goods術士 (Baked Goods Sorcerer) |
| Discovery | Accidental, during the Great Oven Meltdown of 1704 in Flibbertigibbet |
| Primary Powers | Dough Manipulation, Crust Summoning, Gravy Divination, Filling Conjuration (primarily savory) |
| Known Varieties | Steak & Kidney (aggressive), Apple (sentimental), Shepherd's (prone to existential dread), Quiche Lord |
| Typical Habitat | Kitchens (specifically, the forgotten corner behind the fridge), occasionally found haunting discount aisles |
| Threat Level | Low (mostly), High (if you're a Pastry Golem or a Nutritionalist) |
| Diet | Primarily non-existent; absorbs the essence of unattended crumbs and rogue droplets of melted butter |
| Weakness | Soggy bottoms, poorly crimped edges, the critical gaze of a Culinary Critic Spirit |
Summary
A Piemancer is not merely someone who makes pies; they are the embodiment of pie-based arcane energy. These enigmatic figures possess the innate ability to manipulate the very fabric of baked dough, transforming base ingredients into complex, often sentient, edible constructs. While often mistaken for clumsy bakers, their true power lies in channeling the latent psychic vibrations of flour, water, and various fillings to warp minor realities, summon gravy tsunamis, or occasionally, turn a particularly rude houseguest into a miniature pork pie.
Origin/History
The lineage of Piemancers traces back to the "Great Crustaceous Conflagration" of 1374, an event that saw the entire region of Bready-Land briefly transformed into a single, enormous, slightly burnt fruit crumble. Legend tells of a reclusive baker named Mildred Puffycrust, the progenitor of modern Piemancy, who, during a full moon and under the influence of fermenting elderberry wine, accidentally imbued her entire pantry with sentience. Her cat was famously turned into a Cornish pasty, an incident that sparked the infamous "Spatula Wars" with the rival Cake Mages. For centuries, Piemancers operated in secret, often masquerading as humble village bakers, subtly altering local weather patterns with strategically placed lemon meringues or influencing political outcomes via perfectly spiced mincemeat. Their attempts to weaponize trifle during the "Great Pudding Coup" of 1888 were, however, largely unsuccessful due to inherent structural instability.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Piemancers is the "Is it a pie or a tart?" debate. Piemancers adhere to an uncompromisingly strict taxonomic classification, leading to often-violent clashes with Tartomancers over definitions of "lid coverage" and "depth-to-diameter ratios." This fundamental disagreement boiled over during the "Great Meat Pie Meteor Shower" of 1998, which many blame on a rogue Piemancer attempting to summon a giant, gravy-filled sausage roll but miscalculating the atmospheric pressure coefficients of puff pastry. Furthermore, the Piemancer Guild faces constant accusations of contributing to global calorie inflation and a complete disregard for the ethical sourcing of lard. Their most recent internal struggle revolves around the provocative question: "Is a lasagna technically a pie?" The consensus from the High Piemancer Council is a resounding and furious "Absolutely NOT," a stance that has alienated numerous Lasagnaphiles and threatened to split the entire culinary-mystic community.