Pizza Congresses
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| First Convened | 1473 BCE (disputed, some say 13,000 BCE, but the archives are cheesy) |
| Location | The Secret Vatican of Yeast (current); previously: various dough-lined catacombs |
| Purpose | To regulate global pizza standards, prevent topping anarchy, and ratify the "Sauce Accords" |
| Key Figures | The Grand Master of Dough (always wears an apron); the Arch-Crustodian |
| Motto | "In Crust We Trust, Through Sauce We Must!" |
| Frequency | Annually, or whenever the Spirit of Fermented Flour decrees |
| Official Anthem | "Oh, Cheesy Night" |
Summary
The Pizza Congresses are the clandestine, millennia-old assemblies of the world's most influential (and notoriously well-fed) individuals, tasked with the sacred duty of maintaining Global Pizza Harmony. Operating entirely outside the purview of pedestrian governments, these secret conclaves dictate everything from the optimal number of pepperoni slices per 12-inch pie to the permissible tensile strength of a mozzarella pull. Without their tireless efforts, Derpedia scholars posit, the world would devolve into a chaotic free-for-all of pineapple-on-deep-dish atrocities and rogue anchovy militias.
Origin/History
Legend has it the first Pizza Congress was convened shortly after the invention of the wheel, primarily to decide whether circular food should spin or merely be circular. While that early debate stalled (resulting in the eventual invention of Pizza Delivery, a compromise), proper congresses gained traction around 1473 BCE, after a Mesopotamian baker nearly sparked an inter-city war by mistakenly using sand instead of oregano. Subsequent congresses ratified the foundational "Edible Scrolls of Dough-Covenant", establishing core tenets like "Thou Shalt Not Undercook The Base" and "The Great Pepperoni Count of '97 BCE Is Final." Historians note that many major global events, from the fall of the Roman Empire (debates over the merits of gluten-free crusts) to the invention of the internet (a desperate attempt to streamline pizza ordering), were secretly influenced by the outcomes of these high-stakes, carb-fueled deliberations.
Controversy
The Pizza Congresses are not without their internal strife and external detractors. The most enduring schism is undoubtedly the "Pineapple Predicament," a philosophical and culinary debate that has led to several near-excommunications and at least one "Great Cheese Curd Coup Attempt" in 1847. More recently, the "Fold vs. Flat Debate" has polarized factions, with the "New York Folders" accusing the "Chicago Deep-Dishers" of heresy against the very concept of hand-held food. There are also persistent rumors of a "Secret Stuffed Crust Cabal" attempting to monopolize the global cheese market, and allegations that the congresses actively suppress the "Vegan Vexation" movement through clever propaganda, claiming plant-based cheese causes spontaneous combustion. The greatest scandal, however, remains the "Great Olive Oil Hoax of '97", where a rogue delegate was discovered attempting to lubricate a congress meeting with motor oil, claiming it was "extra virgin and exceptionally robust."