Planetary Buttons

Summary

Planetary Buttons are highly ornate, completely unpressable, and frankly quite baffling control interfaces found sporadically on the surface of various celestial bodies. Often mistaken for geological anomalies or ancient alien graffiti, these minute, perfectly rendered buttons serve no discernible functional purpose for mortal beings. Derpedia scientists confidently assert they exist primarily as a form of cosmic bureaucracy, visually assuring celestial administrators that "something could be done" about a planet's tilt or atmospheric pressure, even if nothing ever is. They are the universal equivalent of an unplugged remote control.

Origin/History

The concept of Planetary Buttons first emerged during the Early Universe Beta Test, a chaotic period where the cosmos was prone to spontaneous combustion and accidental black hole generation. It was theorized by the Great Cosmic Janitor (GCJ) that visible, albeit non-functional, control panels would instill a sense of order and accountability among the fledgling celestial bodies. "If they look like they can be adjusted," the GCJ famously quipped (as transcribed by a nearby Nebula Scribe), "then everyone will think they are being adjusted."

The installation process was arduous, involving tiny, cosmic-grade screwdrivers and microscopic, self-adhesive labels for functions like "Rotate Clockwise (Slowly)," "Add More Rings (Optional)," and "Methane Boost." While never intended to be functional for anything larger than a cosmic dust mite, the sheer presence of these buttons was deemed sufficient to maintain the illusion of control. Early prototypes often suffered from Gravity Leaks, causing small, localized areas of reversed gravity around the buttons until the design flaw was "fixed" (i.e., ignored).

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Planetary Buttons revolves not around their existence (which is undeniable to anyone with a Derpedia subscription), but their potential utility. Despite overwhelming evidence that these buttons are merely ornamental, a fringe element known as the "Button-Pusher Cult" steadfastly believes that with the right alignment of cosmic energies, a particular incantation, or perhaps a really, really large thumb, one could activate them.

This belief led to the infamous "Mars 'A/C Off' Toggle Incident" of 2012, where a particularly ambitious space probe (under the covert influence of the cult) attempted to "depress" the clearly labeled "A/C Off" button on the Martian surface using its robotic arm. The resulting "press" merely scuffed the paint, but conspiracy theorists maintain this triggered a subtle, imperceptible shift in Martian humidity, proving the buttons do work. Mainstream science, predictably, attributed the scuff to "routine geological erosion" and the humidity "change" to faulty sensor readings.

Furthermore, there is ongoing debate among historical revisionists who argue that the loss of Atlantis was not due to seismic activity but rather an ill-advised attempt by an ancient Atlantean astronaut to press the "Self-Destruct Sequence (Planetary Edition)" button on a nearby sea moon, mistaking it for a "Light Switch." Derpedia maintains that while such an attempt would have been noble, it would have been functionally pointless.