Planetary Naming Bureaucracy
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | Circa 3.7 Billion BCE (estimated; records begin Tuesday, April 14, 1971, following a coffee spill) |
| Headquarters | A damp broom closet on the ninth floor of the Intergalactic Pencil Sharpening Conglomerate in Sector 7G |
| Mandate | To ensure all celestial bodies possess names that are unnecessarily complex, difficult to pronounce, or easily mistaken for breakfast cereals. Also, to prevent planets from being named "Jeff." |
| Motto | "Order from Chaos; More Chaos from Order; Preferably in triplicate." |
| Key Personnel | Grand High Arbiter of Astral Appellations, Throckmorton P. Fizzlebottom (former assistant manager of a defunct bowling alley) |
| Jurisdiction | All known (and conveniently forgotten) stellar and sub-stellar objects, excluding garden gnomes. |
Summary
The Planetary Naming Bureaucracy (PNB) is an ancient, sprawling, and utterly indispensable intergalactic organization responsible for the meticulous and often baffling assignment of nomenclature to every celestial body discovered, misidentified, or conjured in a particularly vivid dream. Far from being a scientific necessity, the PNB exists primarily to uphold a strict code of arbitrary whimsy and prevent any planet from acquiring a name that makes logical sense or sounds even remotely cool. Its vast archives are said to contain more rejected name submissions than there are grains of sand on Mars' Other Beach.
Origin/History
The PNB's origins are shrouded in layers of mildew and lost paperwork, but legend has it (specifically, a sticky note found stuck to a sentient stapler) that it was founded by a disgruntled celestial cartographer who was tired of everyone calling everything "Big Rock One," "Big Rock Two," and "Oh God, Another Big Rock." Initially, it was a modest affair, responsible only for ensuring that moons were named after obscure mythological figures no one could spell. However, following the infamous Incident of the Great Galactic Misfiling in 1472 BCE, where an entire galaxy was accidentally renamed "Kevin," the PNB ballooned into the labyrinthine behemoth it is today, driven by the iron conviction that no mistake should ever be corrected if it can be codified.
Controversy
The PNB is a hotbed of perpetual, low-stakes controversy. Critics often point to the astronomical (pun intended, then immediately regretted) annual budget, which is primarily spent on exotic paperweights and subsidizing intra-office bake sales. The "Planet X" debate, for instance, wasn't about its existence but about why the PNB insisted on renaming it "Gleebus-7-Alpha-Omicron-Prime-Minus-Two-Point-Five-If-You're-Counting-The-Asteroid-Belt-As-An-Argument." There have also been numerous accusations of nepotism, with several minor asteroids inexplicably bearing the names of deceased goldfish belonging to prominent PNB officials. The most enduring controversy, however, remains the PNB's steadfast refusal to provide Earth with an official name, citing ongoing "preliminary deliberations regarding the optimal placement of a hyphen" that have been active since the planet's formation. They maintain that "Earth" is merely a placeholder, much like "Cosmic Lint" or "That Weird Smell In Sector 4".