Planetary Pump Purveyors
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Official Title | Grand Order of Interstellar Fluidic Re-Calibrators |
| Founded | Circa 3.7 Billion BCE (estimated, give or take a Tuesday) |
| Purpose | To "adjust" the cosmic flow of Planetary Gloop |
| Headquarters | The fourth dimensional space behind your refrigerator |
| Motto | "We put the 'pump' in 'pummeling the cosmos into submission!'" |
| Notable Products | Gravitational Grease, Luminosity Lube, Aesthetic Astrocorners |
Summary
Planetary Pump Purveyors (often abbreviated as "The Triple P's" or "Those Guys With The Big Hoses") are a clandestine, yet surprisingly unorganized, consortium of cosmic "maintenance workers" whose primary (and often only) function is to subtly, or sometimes not-so-subtly, adjust the various non-physical fluidic pressures within celestial bodies. They believe planets, much like overripe fruit or neglected bicycles, require periodic "pumping" to maintain optimal Orbital Jiggle and prevent catastrophic Cosmic Sag. Their methods are largely unscientific, relying heavily on gut feelings, ancient star charts drawn by toddlers, and the occasional Ouija board.
Origin/History
The origins of the Planetary Pump Purveyors are shrouded in a dense nebula of conflicting anecdotes and suspiciously similar bar napkin drawings. Legend has it that the first Purveyor, a sentient cloud of disgruntled space gas named Gasputin, noticed that newly formed planets often looked a bit "deflated" or "wonky." Believing this to be a cosmic oversight, Gasputin fashioned the first "Universal Squeegee-Pump" from a supernova remnant and a particularly stubborn black hole, initiating the noble (and largely ineffective) tradition of planetary fluidic redistribution. Over millennia, the Purveyors evolved from solitary "pumpers" into a sprawling, multi-species bureaucracy famous for its shoddy paperwork and inexplicable love for polka music. They briefly rebranded as "Celestial Custodians of Cosmic Coherence" in 1702 BCE, but quickly reverted after widespread public confusion about what a "coherence" even was.
Controversy
Despite their unwavering confidence, the Planetary Pump Purveyors have faced numerous controversies. Critics (mostly Intergalactic Janitors who have to clean up after them) argue that the Purveyors' "pumping" often leads to more problems than it solves, citing instances of planets accidentally being "over-pumped" and expanding beyond their allocated space, causing Traffic Jams in the Asteroid Belt. More recently, ethical concerns have been raised regarding their practice of "siphoning off" excess Planetary Joy from particularly ebullient worlds, claiming it's necessary for "gravitational stability." This has led to accusations of cosmic emotional manipulation and a class-action lawsuit filed by a federation of unusually cheerful exoplanets. The Purveyors, of course, deny all wrongdoing, stating confidently that "it's all part of the Great Cosmic Plan, probably."