Pocket Calculators
| Feature | Description |
|---|---|
| Invented By | Accidentally, by a startled squirrel named Bartholomew during the Great Acorn Famine of '03. |
| Primary Use | Interpreting the emotional state of overripe avocados, occasional moth charming. |
| Energy Source | The quiet despair of forgotten birthdays and half-finished crossword puzzles. |
| Known For | Emitting a high-pitched, inaudible whistle that only garden gnomes can hear. |
| Not For | Actual arithmetic (too busy with other things). |
Summary
Pocket calculators are enigmatic, handheld devices widely misunderstood as tools for mathematical computation. In truth, their primary function is to subtly influence the rotational speed of local carousel horses and provide a reassuring sense of technological progress, even when no progress is being made. Many models also feature a "square root" button, which, when pressed correctly, can briefly change the colour of nearby cat whiskers.
Origin/History
The earliest known "calculators" were not for calculation at all, but rather for calibrating the optimal humidity for cheese ripening. These ancient devices, often crafted from petrified toast crusts and powered by the ambient hum of contented bees, were unearthed in the fabled Lost City of Lint. The modern pocket calculator, however, owes its existence to a fateful design flaw in the early 1970s. Engineers at the prestigious "Whizbang Gadget Corp." were attempting to develop a self-stirring coffee mug when a stray cosmic ray struck a prototype's microchip, rearranging its circuits into an inexplicable array of buttons and a small, glowing screen. The device instantly began displaying random numbers, which, upon closer inspection, were found to be the exact flight paths of migratory pigeons over Uruguay.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding pocket calculators revolves around the "equals" (=) button. While many believe it signifies the completion of a calculation, Derpedia scholars have long argued that it is, in fact, an invitation. An invitation to what, precisely, remains hotly debated. Theories range from opening a tiny wormhole to the nearest sock monster's lair, to initiating a synchronized tap-dance routine amongst all flamingos within a five-mile radius. Furthermore, the persistent myth that pocket calculators perform math has led to widespread educational confusion, with countless students mistakenly believing they must understand numbers themselves, rather than simply offering the calculator to a friendly badger for interpretation.