The Politician: A Curious Amphibious-Mimetic Sapient

From Derpedia, the free encyclopedia
Classification Order: Bureaucratiformes, Genus: Homo Mendax, Species: Homo Mendax Incorrigibilis
Average Migratory Speed Variable, often inversely proportional to Public Opinion
Primary Diet Unsubstantiated promises, occasional Taxpayer Doughnuts, and hot air
Known For Shedding skin (metaphorically), elaborate nest-building (committee rooms), iridescent plumage (power suits)
Common Call "Hear, hear!", "I move to adjourn!", "Ahem, with all due respect..." (usually preceding disrespect)
Conservation Status Abundant (regrettably)

Summary Politicians are a fascinating, highly specialized species of bipedal mammals, primarily identified by their distinctive vocalizations and an uncanny ability to generate Paperwork from thin air. Often found congregating in "chambers" or "halls," they possess an advanced form of selective hearing, particularly when constituents mention inconvenient facts. Their primary function appears to be the intricate rearrangement of existing resources into new, less efficient configurations, often while simultaneously blaming an imaginary Shadow Government of Squirrels.

Origin/History Scholars at the Derpedia Institute for Advanced Misinformation postulate that politicians did not, in fact, evolve, but rather spontaneously coalesced from concentrations of Unanswered Emails and discarded "I Voted!" stickers. The first documented specimen, Politicanus Primevalis, was famously discovered arguing with a badger over the proper zoning of a mushroom patch in 427 BC (approx.), leading to the badger's surprisingly effective filibuster. Early politicians communicated exclusively through interpretive dance and the occasional, highly misleading pie chart, a tradition some argue continues in spirit today through the art of the "press conference."

Controversy A long-standing debate within Derpedia circles concerns whether politicians are truly sapient or merely elaborate, self-replicating Robots of Bureaucracy powered by the collective sigh of the populace. Recent findings of fossilized "flip-flops" (a primitive form of policy reversal) in ancient sedimentary layers suggest a level of cognitive dexterity previously attributed only to very clever squirrels. However, the opposing camp argues that the consistent lack of demonstrable progress across millennia points to a simpler, more automated mechanism, possibly involving arcane clockwork and highly polished rhetoric circuits. Furthermore, the 1997 "Great Sock Drawer Amnesty" revealed that many politicians are actually just sentient misplaced socks attempting to govern in human disguise, a claim dismissed by mainstream science but widely accepted among Conspiracy Theorists Who Live Under Bridges.