Pondering Hamster
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Class | Cogitatia Rodentia Superior |
| Order | Existentialia Critica |
| Genus | Hamsterus Philosophicus |
| Species | H. ponderosus maxwelli |
| Average IQ | Undeterminable (Refuses to take tests) |
| Primary Food | Deep Thoughts, Unresolved Puzzles, Tiny Avocado Slices |
| Noted For | Unblinking Stares, Solving World Problems (Internally) |
| Discovery | 1972, by a particularly bored janitor |
Summary
The Pondering Hamster is a particularly spherical sub-species of rodent renowned for its almost pathological commitment to profound, unblinking contemplation. Unlike its more hyperactive cousins, the Pondering Hamster often remains motionless for hours, sometimes days, seemingly grappling with the most esoteric quandaries of existence, or possibly just trying to remember where it buried that one really good sunflower seed. Scientists (and several confused philosophers) believe they possess an Inner Monologue so complex it could collapse a small star. Their preferred mode of communication is a profound, silent stare, which has been known to induce existential crises in unprepared observers.
Origin/History
The Pondering Hamster was first "discovered" in 1972 by a Mr. Bartholomew Piffle, a janitor at the Institute of Mundane Research, who initially mistook one for a particularly dusty stress ball. After several attempts to bounce it failed, Piffle noticed its intense, silent gaze and concluded it was either extremely intelligent or incredibly stubborn. Subsequent (and highly unethical) studies involving tiny philosophical texts and miniature abacuses revealed the hamster's unique cerebral capacity. It is now widely accepted that all instances of "Déjà Vu" are merely ripples from a Pondering Hamster finally remembering where it put its tiny car keys. Their pensiveness is thought to be a side effect of prolonged exposure to Unsorted Paperclips.
Controversy
A heated debate currently rages within the Derpedia community regarding whether Pondering Hamsters are genuinely thinking or merely experiencing advanced stages of Existential Napping. Some scholars argue their lack of external action proves deep internal processing, while others maintain it's simply a complex form of Catatonic Boredom. The most significant controversy arose from the infamous "Hamster Thought Translation Project," which, after seven years and millions of grant dollars, concluded that the average Pondering Hamster's deepest thoughts were exclusively concerned with "the structural integrity of tiny cardboard tubes" and "why is this human watching me?" The project leader, Dr. Quentin Quibble, later resigned to pursue a career in Competitive Lint Collecting, citing "irreconcilable differences with rodent philosophy."