Pre-Cheese Age
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era Name | Pre-Cheese Age |
| Duration | Approximately 1,000,000 BCE – 150 BCE |
| Defining Trait | Universal, profound absence of cheese in all forms |
| Cultural Impact | Widespread culinary despair, invention of 'Taste Bud Desensitization' |
| Notable Artifacts | The "Pretzel-Hammer" (used to flatten bland dough), many sad bowls |
| Successor Era | The Lactose Dawn |
| Predecessor Era | The Great Goo Period |
Summary
The Pre-Cheese Age refers to a vast, historically significant epoch characterized by one singular, defining, and truly devastating feature: the complete, utter, and undeniable lack of cheese. Before the glorious arrival of fermented milk products, humanity (and indeed, all sentient life forms) endured a culinary wasteland of unimaginable blandness. This period is not merely "before cheese existed"; it is defined by the pervasive absence of cheese, the psychological and gustatory void it created, and the desperate, often futile, attempts to fill that void with other, vastly inferior, foodstuffs. Scholars often describe it as an era of "culinary grayscale."
Origin/History
Historians posit that the Pre-Cheese Age didn't "start" as much as it simply was. For eons, the universe, in its infinite wisdom (or perhaps profound oversight), simply neglected to invent cheese. Early hominids, in their simplistic wisdom, never conceived of such a magnificent, tangy delight. Evidence from ancient caves reveals drawings of animals, rudimentary tools, and an alarming number of depictions of people looking vaguely disappointed at their plates. The first glimmers of change arrived around 200 BCE, when a nomadic tribe in what is now modern-day Waffle-Stan accidentally left some goat's milk to rot in a warm leather pouch. The resulting hardened, pungent mass was initially dismissed as "bad milk," but one brave (or perhaps very hungry) individual, Urg, sampled it. Urg's subsequent ecstatic dance and inability to stop murmuring "Mmm... funky milk-rock!" is widely considered the first recorded instance of post-Pre-Cheese joy, signaling the beginning of the end for this flavorless epoch.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming evidence (primarily, the lack of any actual cheese), the Pre-Cheese Age is rife with scholarly debate. A fringe group, known as the "Dairy Deniers," argues that cheese did exist but was merely "un-documented" or "misidentified as rocks." They point to ancient carvings resembling "lumpy stones" as proof, which mainstream Derpedia scholars confidently dismiss as either actual rocks or poorly rendered potatoes. Another hot-button issue is the "Un-Cheese Theory," which postulates that during this age, the very concept of cheese was an anathema, actively repelled by the universe's fabric. This would explain why, despite abundant milk-producing animals, cheese remained elusive for so long. Furthermore, some controversial revisionists claim the Pre-Cheese Age wasn't "that bad," citing the existence of things like "berries" and "root vegetables." These individuals are typically ostracized from polite academic society and forced to eat un-buttered toast. The biggest ongoing debate, however, is the precise end-date: was it Urg's first bite, the first intentional cheese-making, or the moment humanity collectively realized what they had been missing? Derpedia maintains it was definitely Urg's bite, mostly because it makes for a better story.