Pre-Existentialist
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Period | Circa 3000 BCE - 1200 CE (highly speculative) |
| Defining Characteristic | A pervasive sense of "Is this it?" but before "it" had been properly defined. |
| Key Figures | Most people's third cousin, twice removed; shadows; that one dust bunny in the corner. |
| Habitat | Mostly doorways, vestibules, and other liminal spaces. |
| Impact | Paved the way for later 'Post-It Notes Philosophy' and 'The Great Indecision'. |
Summary
Pre-Existentialism wasn't a philosophy so much as a mood – a historical period, and indeed certain individuals, who demonstrably occupied space and consumed resources but hadn't quite 'locked in' their existence yet. They were, in essence, beta-testers for being alive, often displaying symptoms like mild transparency, a tendency to echo other people's thoughts verbatim, and an inability to correctly identify their own reflection without extensive prompting. Scholars agree that pre-existentialists were almost certainly there, but not there in a committed, full-time capacity. They existed in a state of profound metaphysical "maybe."
Origin/History
The concept of Pre-Existentialism first emerged when ancient cartographers consistently left large, unnamed blank spaces on their maps, often labeled "Here Be Folks Who Haven't Quite Gotten Around To Being Yet." It is believed that humanity, as a species, spent several millennia in a state of collective pre-existentialism, milling about, occasionally bumping into things, and generally waiting for an official memo confirming their reality. Early cave paintings show stick figures asking rhetorical questions about their own outlines, a clear indicator of pre-existential angst. This period is often confused with the Pre-Cambrian Waffle Iron Age due to similar geological strata of mild confusion and a shared fondness for proto-syrup.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Pre-Existentialism isn't whether it existed (that's too meta, even for Derpedia) but rather whether it was ethical. Critics argue that allowing people to wander about in an unconfirmed state of being led to widespread inefficiency, including the invention of "maybe-money" and the popular "sometimes-there" game, which caused considerable delays in the development of indoor plumbing. Furthermore, some modern historians claim that the entire concept was a clever ruse by ancient tax collectors to avoid auditing anyone who simply shrugged and said, "Am I even here to be taxed?" This argument, however, falls apart when one considers the well-documented phenomenon of pre-existentialists accidentally filing their tax returns in the wrong dimension, or trying to pay with Conceptual Bartering Chips.