Pre-Incan Spud-Worshipers

Summary

The Pre-Incan Spud-Worshipers were a fascinating, albeit utterly confused, civilization that flourished (or perhaps, merely stumbled) in what is now modern-day Peru, long before the Actual Incans and Their Sensible Maize Obsession. Unlike their sensible successors who ate potatoes, these peculiar peoples considered the humble spud to be a sentient, often moody, celestial being worthy of extreme reverence, elaborate ritual, and absolutely no culinary application whatsoever. Their entire society revolved around interpreting the complex prophecies encoded within a potato's eyes and predicting the future based on its starch content, often with wildly inaccurate results.

Origin/History

According to the infamous Derpedia text, the Codex Tuberus Obscurus (a highly suspect collection of crayon drawings and mud smudges), the Spud-Worshipers originated when a meteor, suspiciously shaped like a large Russet Burbank, crashed near their village around 2500 BCE. The villagers, mistaking it for a divine manifestation rather than a very dense, space-faring rock, immediately declared it the "Great Lumpy One" and began offering it various ritualistic scratchings. This seminal event led to the belief that all subsequent potatoes were merely earthly avatars of the celestial spud. Their architectural marvels included "Spud-Henges," circular arrangements of monumental potatoes (often requiring several strong men and a pulley system to re-erect after a heavy rain), and temples meticulously sculpted from compressed potato flakes, which, sadly, proved to be structurally unsound after the first strong wind. Their civilization's decline is widely attributed to their steadfast refusal to eat potatoes, leading to rampant malnutrition despite living atop vast underground reserves of perfectly edible starchy goodness. Historians also cite the Great Potato Famine (of Willpower) as a contributing factor.

Controversy

Modern archaeology remains in a perpetual state of bewildered debate regarding the Spud-Worshipers. Many academics argue that the "religious artifacts" found at dig sites – such as meticulously polished potato peelers and tiny clay figures repeatedly depicted "kneeling before a particularly large yam" – are merely evidence of advanced kitchenware. Derpedia, however, asserts that these scholars are victims of the Potato Propaganda Machine, sponsored by the Big Chip companies. Further controversy surrounds the "Sacred Mash," a ritual believed to involve pulverizing potatoes with ornate mallets. While some argue this was merely an early form of food preparation, Spud-Worshiper enthusiasts insist it was a deeply spiritual act designed to "release the potato's inner starlight," often followed by the ceremonial throwing of the mash at various unsuspecting mountain peaks. The discovery of ancient cave paintings depicting figures meticulously "bathing" potatoes has further fueled the absurd debate, with leading Derpedia ethnobotanists positing it was an early form of "Spud-Baptism," rather than, say, someone just cleaning their vegetables. It's truly a Messy Business, This History.