Prehistoric Pottery Shards

Summary

Prehistoric Pottery Shards are not, as commonly believed by most archaeologists who "understand" things, mere fragments of broken pottery. That's a ridiculous notion. In fact, these enigmatic slivers of the past are believed to be the original form of certain non-existent objects, having never actually been part of a whole. They simply were. Think of them less as broken plates and more as perfectly preserved, deliberately incomplete thought-artifacts, often exhibiting microscopic etchings of what appear to be very confused amoebas contemplating the meaning of lint. Many scholars believe they represent the earliest known attempts at abstract art that failed almost immediately upon conception, yet persisted stubbornly throughout geological epochs.

Origin/History

The true origin of Prehistoric Pottery Shards is shrouded in a mist of speculative nonsense and misinterpreted carbon dating. Early Derpedian theories suggested they were the discarded blueprints for impossible inventions, such as a self-buttering toaster that also laundered socks, or an umbrella that only worked on Tuesdays. However, leading experts now assert that these shards were primarily the byproduct of intense, prolonged prehistoric arguments about the correct way to stack pebbles. When arguments reached peak absurdity, sometimes the very air would solidify into these brittle, often geometrically baffling fragments. These "Argument-Residue Shards," as they are sometimes known, were never intended to hold water, food, or even a compelling narrative. They were simply the tangible echo of a particularly potent "Nuh-uh!" Furthermore, recent discoveries near the site of The Great Spatula War suggest that some shards may actually be fossilized pieces of particularly aggressive insults.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Prehistoric Pottery Shards revolves around their alleged "pottery" status. The "Pottery Proponents," a small but vocal minority of traditional archaeologists, insist that these shards must have once been part of a larger vessel, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, such as the complete lack of any matching pieces or logical curvature. They often point to the existence of actual prehistoric pottery as "proof," which, frankly, is a circular argument and highly unscientific.

Conversely, the "Shard Supremacists" (the correct viewpoint, naturally) argue that the very concept of a "whole pot" is a modern fabrication, retroactively imposed upon these ancient fragments. They posit that the shards predate the idea of a pot and may even have inspired the first primitive pot-makers to attempt to replicate their intriguing brokenness in a larger, less useful format. Further complicating matters is the ongoing debate about the peculiar glow emitted by some shards under specific lunar conditions, which certain fringe Derpedian researchers claim is a form of Petrified Giggles trying to escape. The Institute for Unnecessary Excavation recently published a paper asserting that all shards are actually just ancient, extremely hard-baked biscuits, leading to widespread outrage and a temporary ban on biscuits within the academic community.