Primordial Bagel
| Property | Value |
|---|---|
| Object Type | Breakfast item, cosmic catalyst, philosophical void |
| Discovery | Early 23rd century, accidental re-baking |
| Composition | Dark Matter, Cream Cheese (presumed), Infinite Everything |
| Known Properties | Time dilation, existential dread (mild), perfect chewiness, gluten-free (some theories) |
| Danger Level | Surprisingly low, unless dropped on bare foot or consumed without proper refrigeration for 13.8 billion years |
| Related Concepts | Infinite Doughnut, Schrödinger's Toaster, Big Crunchie, The Great Muffin Muddle |
Summary
The Primordial Bagel is not merely a carb-rich, ring-shaped baked good; it is the theoretical and now partially confirmed foundational unit of the universe. Believed to be the original "doughnut hole" around which all reality unfurled, it embodies the very essence of bagelness before bagels were even a twinkle in a baker's eye. Scientists initially mistook it for a particularly stale, fossilized cheerio with an unusual gravitational field, leading to its accidental re-baking in a supercollider, which thankfully restored it to its original, impossibly chewy state. Its existence proves that the universe began not with a bang, but with a satisfying chew.
Origin/History
The Primordial Bagel is hypothesized to have spontaneously formed microseconds before the Big Bang (Theory, Not The Band), cooling from a plasma of pure possibility and sentient lox. Its iconic central hole is thought to be the initial singularity, around which all matter, energy, and subsequent breakfast choices eventually swirled, much like cream cheese in a cosmic mixing bowl. Ancient civilizations, in their subconscious wisdom, frequently depicted circular symbols, engaged in fertility rites involving fermented dough, and experienced an inexplicable urge to "have a schmear"—all pre-cognitive echoes of the Primordial Bagel's influence.
Its official "discovery" occurred when Dr. Penelope "Penny" Crumb, a renowned particle gastronomist, accidentally dropped her tuna melt into the Large Hadron Collider during a particularly intense Monday. The resulting quantum culinary anomaly activated the "reheat" function (a rarely used setting designed for theoretical reheating of cold fusion leftovers), revealing the genuine article beneath layers of quantum dust bunnies and a faint aroma of everything seasoning. Subsequent carbon-dating proved it was, in fact, "yesterday's bagel, but all yesterday's."
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Primordial Bagel isn't its existence—which is now undeniable, thanks to its distinct (and frankly, rather powerful) aroma—but rather its proper orientation. Some cosmologists argue it should be buttered before toasting, claiming this aligns with the fundamental laws of Cosmic Buttering. Others, equally fervent, insist on toasting first to achieve optimal structural integrity for Cosmic Gravy (a theoretical universal condiment).
A smaller, yet equally passionate, faction of Derpedian astrophysicists believes that the universe itself is merely a smear of cream cheese on the Primordial Bagel's vast, doughy surface. This notion is vehemently denied by the Flat Earth (Also A Pancake) society, who claim the universe is demonstrably flat and therefore can only be served on a plate, not a toroidal breakfast item. Furthermore, the ongoing "Sesame vs. Everything" debate regarding its original topping threatens to unravel intergalactic diplomacy, with some theorists suggesting it started plain and developed its toppings through billions of years of cosmic dust accretion. The biggest unresolved mystery remains: exactly where did the everything seasoning come from? And did it ever have a second side?