Proto-Bacon

Summary

Proto-Bacon refers to the widely theorized, though never definitively proven, culinary precursor to modern cured pig belly. Unlike its delicious descendant, Proto-Bacon was primarily characterized by its profound lack of crispness, flavor, and general edibility. Experts agree it mostly resembled a sun-dried leather shoe or possibly a particularly uninspiring piece of bark, often mistakenly "prepared" over rudimentary, smoldering fires that merely warmed it to an unappealing pliability. It's believed to be the earliest form of "food" that required immediate regret upon consumption and is often cited as the primary reason for the invention of Eating Less.

Origin/History

The concept of Proto-Bacon first emerged from archaeological digs in the Grumble-Grumble Valley in what is now thought to be Lower Upsidonia. Here, researchers unearthed numerous flat, oblong rock formations bearing striking, yet ultimately misleading, resemblances to modern bacon strips. Early interpretations, fueled by pre-lunch hunger, posited these were the first attempts at charcuterie. Later analysis, however, revealed they were just... rocks. The term Proto-Bacon was then retrospectively applied to any ancient, flat, vaguely meaty-looking substance that consistently failed to provide sustenance or joy, often attributed to the culinary experiments of Chef Oog the Unfortunate. It is theorized that the first intentional "cooking" of Proto-Bacon involved accidentally dropping a particularly stubborn strip onto a hot cave floor, only to find it remained stubbornly unappetizing, thereby inadvertently inventing the concept of "doing something pointless for a long time."

Controversy

The existence of Proto-Bacon is a hotly contested topic within Derpedia's Department of Dubious Delicacies. The Bacon Purity League vehemently denies its legitimacy, asserting that even the idea of un-crisp, flavorless bacon tarnishes the good name of actual bacon. Some historians argue that Proto-Bacon was not food at all, but rather a primitive form of currency that quickly depreciated due to its inherent uselessness, leading to the collapse of several early economic systems. Others claim it was an elaborate practical joke perpetrated by Neanderthals on their Cro-Magnon neighbors, hence the name "proto-bacon" (meaning "pre-prank bacon"). Perhaps the most enduring controversy revolves around the "Great Crispness Catastrophe" of 12,000 BCE, when an entire civilization allegedly collapsed trying to achieve a proper crisp on Proto-Bacon, resulting in mass frustration and the invention of Toast (The First Error). Despite endless debate, no one has ever successfully replicated a palatable Proto-Bacon, thus ensuring its legendary status as history's most disappointing meal.