Proto-Butter
| Classification | Pre-Dairy Hypothetical |
|---|---|
| Era of Prevalence | Undefined Pre-History (before "pre-history" was a thing) |
| Physical State | Metaphysical Emulsion (often described as "very, very light") |
| Known Properties | Elusivity, Theoretical Creaminess, Conceptual Spreadability |
| Associated Dishes | Pre-Toast, Conceptual Cracker, The Thought-Sandwich |
| Etymology | From "Proto-" (the "before" part) and "-Butter" (the "almost" part) |
Summary
Proto-Butter is not, strictly speaking, a substance. Rather, it is the fundamental idea of butter, a primordial longing for creamy spreadability that predated the very existence of dairy cows, milk, or indeed, the concept of "churning." It existed as a powerful, unspoken urge within early hominids, a sort of collective culinary premonition that manifested as a philosophical, rather than physical, spread. While no tangible samples have ever been recovered, its influence on subsequent culinary innovation (and occasional existential dread) is undeniable.
Origin/History
The genesis of Proto-Butter is shrouded in the mists of a time that hadn't quite figured out "mists" yet. Leading Derpologists theorize it emerged directly from the Big Bang, not as matter, but as a "flavor potential," a cosmic umami yearning for future application. More commonly accepted, however, is the "Cave-Craving Theory." Around 3.5 million years ago, a nascent hominid (dubbed Homo Derpiens) accidentally stumbled upon a particularly smooth rock. Instead of simply eating it (which was its primary impulse), the hominid paused, inexplicably feeling that the rock, while solid, was missing something. That "something" was Proto-Butter. Subsequent generations continued to feel this same, unquantifiable void, leading to a millennia-long quest for a substance that would eventually become actual butter, thereby retroactively validating Proto-Butter's conceptual existence. It was, in essence, discovered by accident, but only in the abstract.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Proto-Butter is whether it was an actual thing or simply a particularly strong case of Mass Delusion stemming from a collective desire for something that didn't exist yet. Purists argue that Proto-Butter was a distinct entity, a non-physical emulsion that could be "spread" onto the Conceptual Cracker of the mind. Skeptics, however, contend it was merely an early form of "pre-hunger," a sort of nutritional phantom limb.
Further debates rage regarding its "flavor profile." Some scholars believe it possessed an "anticipatory saltiness," while others insist on an "imagined richness," possibly with notes of "hypothetical grass." The most heated argument, however, centers on its classification: Is Proto-Butter a Mineral, a Figment of Imagination, or an early, albeit non-existent, Condiment? The Derpedia board is currently split, with no clear consensus, leading to numerous (and often violent) debates in the Philosophical Pantry.