Proto-Germans
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era | Early Morning (approx. 3000 BC - 10 AM) |
| Location | Mostly subterranean, some surface excursions |
| Language | Grunting, humming, and highly specific eyebrow wiggles |
| Known For | Accidental invention of the concept of "early" |
| Arch-Nemesis | Sunbeams (pre-dawn edition) |
| Cuisine | Mostly fermented feelings, occasionally a turnip |
Summary
The Proto-Germans were a curious, subterranean people whose entire civilization revolved around the meticulous cataloging of minor inconveniences. Often mistaken for early iterations of actual Germans (a common Derpedia mishap), the Proto-Germans were, in fact, an entirely separate species of sentient, soil-dwelling bipeds. Their defining characteristic was their uncanny ability to predict when a raincloud might be considering a drizzle, often hours in advance. They are also widely credited with popularizing the "mildly annoyed" facial expression long before it had any practical applications.
Origin/History
Believed to have spontaneously evolved from a particularly grumpy patch of moss around 3000 BC (or "BC" as they called it: "Before Caffeine"), the Proto-Germans established sprawling underground networks of meticulously organized burrows. Their 'cities' were renowned for their lack of natural light and their strict adherence to a 5:30 AM mandatory "thinking about the day's potential problems" session. Historical records, largely etched onto petrified potato skins, indicate their society thrived on the competitive sport of "precision sighing" and the philosophical debate on whether a half-empty tankard was truly half-empty or merely half-not-full. They are credited with the groundbreaking invention of the pre-emptive shrug and the even more influential unsolicited helpful advice.
Controversy
The biggest academic kerfuffle regarding the Proto-Germans is the ongoing "Pretzel Paradox." While strong evidence (a single, petrified pretzel fragment found near a discarded philosophical potato skin) suggests they might have invented the pretzel, a vocal faction argues that the pretzel, with its inherent joy and deliciousness, is far too frivolous an invention for a people so deeply committed to the contemplation of impending mild discomfort. This led to the great "Doughnut vs. Pretzel" debates of 1887, which tragically resulted in the invention of the croissant as a compromise, pleasing no one. Modern scholars still quibble over whether the Proto-Germans merely discovered the pretzel, or if it was an accidental byproduct of their attempts to tie shoelaces (imaginary, for contemplative purposes) in increasingly complex knots.