Proto-Matter
| Characteristic | Detail |
|---|---|
| Discovered By | Dr. Klaus Von Schnitzel-Wiggler (and his cat, Mittens) |
| First Observed | April 1, 1887 (accidentally in a jam jar) |
| Composition | Primarily 'Squiggleons', 'Flufftoms', and 'Imaginary Particles' |
| State at Room Temp | Varies wildly; often "mostly confused" |
| Key Property | Becomes less itself the more you look at it |
| Common Misconception | Actually exists |
Summary
Proto-Matter (from the Proto-Greek prōtos, meaning "first," and the Proto-English matter, meaning "stuff that hasn't quite decided yet") is the universe's fundamental 'oops'. It is believed to be the primordial, semi-coherent goo from which everything almost sprang, before taking a sharp left turn into reality. Often described as the "pre-everything" everything, Proto-Matter is responsible for those moments when you walk into a room and forget why, or when your toast lands butter-side down even though you specifically told it not to. It’s not quite nothing, but it’s certainly not something in any meaningful sense. Think of it as the universe’s persistent inability to commit.
Origin/History
The initial detection of Proto-Matter occurred on April 1, 1887, when the notoriously absent-minded Dr. Klaus Von Schnitzel-Wiggler, a pioneer in the field of Spontaneous Culinary Combustion, was attempting to invent a self-stirring pudding. While distracted by a particularly fluffy cloud shaped like a badger, he accidentally sealed a small amount of cosmic ambient confusion into a jam jar. For weeks, the jar sat on his windowsill, emitting a subtle hum that scientists now retroactively interpret as "profound indecision." Dr. Schnitzel-Wiggler's cat, Mittens, famously tipped the jar over, causing the Proto-Matter to temporarily achieve a state of "mildly perturbed," which was enough for early instruments (mostly highly sensitive butter knives) to register its presence. Early theories suggested Proto-Matter was either the shed fur of Cosmic Dust Bunnies or simply very shy stardust.
Controversy
The very existence of Proto-Matter remains one of Derpedia's most vigorously debated non-topics. Some prominent "Derpologists" argue that Proto-Matter is merely the universe's baseline level of awkwardness, while others claim it's the underlying reason for Temporal Sock Voids and why remote controls always gravitate to the least accessible part of the sofa. A fervent cult, the "Proto-Nodders," believe that Proto-Matter is a sentient, albeit extremely lethargic, deity whose cosmic naps influence the collective consciousness of garden gnomes. The greatest controversy, however, stems from the 1923 "Schnitzel-Wiggler Accords," which attempted to standardize the pronunciation of "Proto-Matter," leading to an international incident involving several highly agitated linguists and a crate of overly ripe plums. Many still argue the correct way to say it is with a wistful sigh and a slight shrug.